Sing Me To Sleep and Then Leave Me Alone

There might as well be a sign on my forehead that says:

“Shannon: Wears heart on sleeve/Trusts too much/Loves to love — Please take advantage”

Well… That sign is much too long for my forehead, so maybe I can just wear it as a sign around my neck.

As a creative person, I am often criticized for being “too sensitive” or “overly emotional,” but I don’t know how to be any other way. It’s not like I’m trying to make my heart feel anything other than what it’s feeling.

When I was younger, I used to think that everyone else felt like me. I used to think that everyone experienced the depth of feeling I felt when I was sad, happy, anxious, ashamed, depressed, excited, etc. But now I understand that this is absolutely not the case. “Normal” people can experience similar situations to me, and not feel a thing.

In fact, I’m starting to realize that many people are exceptionally good at falsifying real emotions in order to self-serve.

This is perhaps where we begin… and also where we end.

A week ago, I “cleaned house,” and got rid of every online dating application, phone number, Facebook, saved picture, of every single guy in the past two years with whom I’ve ever had any kind of romantic connection.

I also deleted a slew of “friends” in my contact list.

What I’ve come to understand, is that my personality lends itself to others taking advantage of me. The fact that I’m willing to trust easily, give second chances, and dive into emotions that normal people might put up a bit of a guard about, allows people to essentially use me for what they want, benefit from my trust and love, and then subsequently leave.

And then I’m left alone, with nothing but another crack in my soul; wondering what I did wrong. Worse, I’ll start questioning myself, and my self-worth, because at the end of all these situations, I’m the common denominator.

I’m the common denominator.

So am I to assume that there is something wrong with me? Or is it that I am just misunderstood because I am “too” (fill in your favorite adjective) for anyone to handle?

*Sigh*

Lately, the fact that I’m 26 has set in.

Now I am by no means “old,” but what I mean by “26,” is that all my friends are in the beginning stages of “growing up.” I have friends getting married, having children, moving in with their significant others, buying dogs together, taking vacations, joining bank accounts, etc.

I think this is all great. Obviously I want my friends to be happy and healthy individuals.

But my problem is, my pool of people that I can go to is becoming smaller and smaller. It’s more difficult to come to a friend with a “single girl” problem, when they are worried about their grown up lives. I often get lots of eye rolls or “Oh I remember when I was single,” stories. There is also a level of disconnect that you tend to have with a person whose life is in a different stage from theirs. My financial situation is far different from that of a lot of my friends, and it’s becoming harder and harder to give the “I’m a starving artist trying to make it in NYC,” speech to them, because their already in the place in their lives where they are no longer struggling financially.

Not only this, but they have someone to come home to.

I ALSO just want someone to come home from work to and talk about my day. I ALSO want to share my life with someone. I ALSO want someone to check up on me when they haven’t heard from me in a few hours.

One of my biggest wake-up calls this week was seeing a news story about a missing woman and thinking to myself, “If I were to go missing in New York City, how long would it be before someone realized I was gone?”

This might be a bit dramatic, but I can’t lie and say the thought didn’t cross my mind, and give me a tiny panic attack.

… and now that I’ve gone and laid my guts out on the table for the world to see, I’m going to find a way to keep moving on.

So now, instead of allowing myself to be the person being left behind, I’ve decided to be the one to leave for a change.

I’m leaving the dating world.

I’m out. I’m not going to accept invitations to go on dates, or allow myself to get mixed up in any of that silly nonsense any longer. No more “drink dates.” No more, “Hey my friends are all out at this one spot. You should come join!”

Nothing.

I want no part of the dating world.

None.

I’m also going to leave the social world for a bit. At least cut down on it.

I’m tired of spending Friday nights texting friends who could give a shit if they see me anytime soon. I’m also tired of getting invited out when someone just needs a filler when their Plan A has failed. I’m tired of being drunk and watching everyone around me desperately trying to find someone to fuck before the night is over.

It’s all too shallow for me.

What I really want is someone to go for a run with me in Central Park. I want someone to go to Restaurant Row with and pick off their plate because I realized their food was better than mine. I want someone to talk Game of Thrones and Harry Potter and slasher films and Nickelodeon cartoons with me. I need someone to hug me and be silent when I get sad because I really want to talk to my mom. I want someone to steal my covers, someone who wakes me up in the middle of the night because I snored too loud or drooled all over their pillow.

I want someone to care.

I also want someone who doesn’t care that I “feel” too much.

I don’t necessarily need someone who feels as much as I do, or even understands how or why I feel the way I do… just someone who is willing to accept it, along with all the other parts of me.

All of me.

That’s all.

So until then, “sing me to sleep/sing me to sleep/and then leave me alone”

Goodnight.

Shannon Rose Allen

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Why it’s so Impossible for Millennials to Date

I’ve been talking to a lot of my single friends lately.

Women.

Men.

Gay.

Straight.

The conversation is always the same:

“Why the fuck can’t I find a decent man/woman to date?!?!”

Now, my friends with significant others… you can choose to ignore this post, because it’s not for you. Go have sex or watch House of Cards together, or something people in relationships do.

Also, let me just give my two cents on something. I UNDERSTAND that there are many functioning Millennials (ie, those born between the early 80s and early 00s, perhaps give and take), who are in committed, successful and loving relationships. However, I feel like many of us who didn’t find love when we were younger (think: high school/college sweethearts) have a much more difficult time dating in the post-apocalyptic college days where we’re forced to work underpaying jobs, are busy as hell, and realize it’s a hell of a lot harder to meet people when you live in “the real world.”

And next time you relationship-ers roll your eyes at us single-as-FUCK human beings, or you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be single again??” consider these points.

REASONS WHY MY GENERATION SUCKS AT DATING:

(Note: I’m guilty of pretty much every single one of these, so don’t think I’m here to judge)

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1. No one actually SPEAKS to each other when in the “courting” process.

Texting is as convenient as ever. In fact, I’m currently texting from my computer while I’m writing this blog. I can literally send a message to anyone in my contact list right now without even picking up my phone, speaking any words, or missing the other million things I’m doing in my life.

Texting is a good thing. It makes it easy to communicate to people throughout the day when you physically cannot speak. I get it.

WE GET IT.

But we are human beings. We have emotions, and vocal inflections, and sometimes we laugh and it doesn’t actually sound anything like “ha ha ha” or “lol.”

Also… IF YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD, STOP TYPING “LOL”

Sorry, that’s a personal pet peeve of mine.

I don’t care how many fucking emoticons or emojis you use in a text, there are things that get lost in translation.

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Also, a person has the opportunity to be bolder in a text. Hiding behind a computer or a phone is a hell of a lot easier that telling someone how you really feel to their face.

I’m an avid texter, but I think it’s important to pick up the phone once in a while. It shows initiative, interest, respect. Hell, it’s so easy to Skype or FaceTime someone, that’s even BETTER.

I like you! I want to get to know you! I want to hear your voice and see your face!

Let’s be humans, not robots.

2. Tinder/Grindr have taken over Match.com

…or for that matter, organically meeting anyone anywhere…

Again, online dating is a good thing. I know plenty of people who are in incredible relationships based on people they’ve met online.

However, online dating should now be called: “I want to have sex with someone, so I’m going to go on an app where it’s socially acceptable for me to ask a person point-blank to give me a blow job, when I’ve only seen five pictures of them and don’t know anything about them other than their name, age and how far away they are from me.” 

Online dating has been cheapened.

I have a Tinder. I’ve met up with people on Tinder. If I were gay, I would probably have a Grindr. But the problem with these sites is they not only give us the opportunity to cheapen others, they make us cheapen ourselves.  They substitute the casual hookup for actual human emotion.

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3. Facebook allows a person to think they “know” us before they meet us

This can be a dangerous one.

Facebook, Twitter, Googling, all keep us from letting us form our own opinions of a person.

I’m sure there are tons of things on my Facebook that might make me look like a great person. There are also probably tons of things that I write or post that may, in fact, turn someone completely off if they don’t really know me or my personality.

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Now here’s where things get scary.

Did you know that there is an app called Lulu, that lets women rate men, kind of like Yelp.

While it’s not really mean-spirited, per se; Lulu asks questions about the men a woman has hooked up with, dated, been friends with and rates then from 1 – 10. Then, Lulu allows you to add hashtags for “good” and “bad” qualities. Example: a “good” hastag would be #CuddleMonster or #AinAnatomy. A “bad” hashtag would be something like #ManChild or #WanderingEye.

I downloaded it out of curiosity and found out some things I maybe didn’t want to know about a person I was interested in.

I wish I hadn’t.

Because now every time I look at that person, I’m thinking someone else’s opinion, instead of forming my own.

I can see where this app developer is coming from. All women are interested in vetting their potential men. We all want to know if he’s a “good guy” or a “bad guy.”

But things are seldom black or white. And we also don’t know the circumstances under which any of these relationships happened.

How can we even hope to open ourselves up to another person, if we can’t even formulate our own opinion of them through ACTUAL HUMAN CONTACT. (Do I see a repeating pattern here??)

4. Drink dates/late night hookups have replaced dinner and a movie

I’ve lived in New York City for almost two years. I’ve been on two dates where someone has actually called me, made a concrete plan, and taken me out somewhere.

I’ve been on about 1,500 “drink things,” “causal meet ups,” or “let’s-chill-and-watch-a-movie-tonight things.”

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I understand not having a lot of money. But there are about 1,500+ activities we could do that do NOT cost money.

It’s just a matter of putting in some effort.

And having some respect for another person.

On that note…

5. We need to be drunk or high to express how we truly feel, because that is our best justification for being emotional

Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly putting the proverbial band-aid on my heart to keep me from ever getting hurt.

I don’t generally allow myself to tell someone of the opposite sex that I’m interested in them, or be honest about basically any of my feelings, in fear of getting hurt or the feeling not being reciprocated.

But somehow, being physically impaired gives me a “get out of jail free” card when it comes to displaying my emotions.

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Because…

6. No one is able to display one ounce of emotion without being made to feel “crazy” or “clingy” 

The minute we allow ourselves to get “excited” or “interested,” or… I don’t know… want to get to know another person for who they really are, we run the risk of being called “crazy.”

This one kills me.

Being labeled “crazy” is emotionally damaging.

And people who are labeled as such, are usually not, in fact, “crazy.”

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Tell ’em JLaw!

7. The grass is always greener, even when it’s actually just the same shade of green with different rough patches

Because we are so connected to infinite amounts of people through social media, the grass always tends to look greener.

Social media isn’t always to blame either. In NYC, I can throw a rock and hit about 10 attractive, single men.

Many times, I’ll hear friends complain that someone they’ve been “talking” to has stopped talking to them and begun to pursue other options.

But does the person who is always chasing after the next best thing, really believe that “thing” is better??

Is he/she “better?”

Or is he/she just fucked up in a different way than the last person you dated? He has different quirks than the last guy you dated. She has nicer thighs, but smaller boobs.

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If we continue to chase after something better, we’re going to be running forever.

8. Instant gratification is not only important, it’s expected

You are not a “prude” if you don’t put out on the first date.

So why does it feel like it?

Have we all lost so much respect for each other that there can be no patience when it comes to getting physical? Not to diminish the importance of physical chemistry, but there is something to be said for two people being intimate with each other, that has become so watered down with my generation.

I’m all about being sexually liberated. I believe in making your own choices about how to to express yourself sexually.

But this isn’t so much about sex, as it is about respect.

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Preach!

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9. Past relationships ruin future prospects

We all have that one (or two, or three) exes we are not fond of.

They hurt us. Slayed our emotions. Fucked us up.

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But we cannot go into every single new relationship thinking that everyone is out to get us.

I have a BIG problem with this one.

I’ll admit that, straight up.

I’ve also been on the receiving end of this, and it’s not fun. Being compared to someone who you are absolutely different from, is not fair. So it’s not fair of us to think that just because “he did this” or “she did that” that all our future significant others will too.

10. We lie to ourselves

I’m a glass-half-full type of girl. I find good in everyone. I want to believe that everyone is inherently good, but with some bad quirks or tendencies.

However, I feel like I sometimes only see the good, and ignore the bad.

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When we can’t let ourselves see that something isn’t working or a person is treating us shitty, it is often impossible from getting out of a tumultuous situation, therefore just fucking us up even more for the next person who comes along.

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11. We lie to others

If you don’t like me, or are not longer interested in me…

TELL ME.

Stop disappearing, or saying “I’m busy,” when all you really want to do is cut me out.

This infuriates me.

I don’t expect every person I start talking to, to be “the one,” but just because it’s not going to work out, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the respect of you telling me it’s over.

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And if we are indeed dating, please don’t be afraid to tell me when you’re upset, anxious, angry, uncomfortable, or any other array of negative emotions.

Relationships are not just built on rainbows and sunshine.

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12. We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough

How many times have I been ignored by a man and had this thought?

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Too many times.

Sometimes the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me,” is actually applicable, even if the person doesn’t outright say it.

If you’ve got your own demons to work out, please let me know, and don’t make me feel like a fucking idiot for wanting to be with you.

And finally

13. We knows nothing, about anything

How many times have my friends in relationships asked me this:

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And my answer is: I have not a fucking clue.

So here’s to my generation. Here’s to the hopeless romantics who are navigating this big, wide world on our own, trying to figure out all the “rules” of dating, while simultaneously throwing away the rulebook.

Some day (hopefully) we’ll all look back at this period of our lives and laugh.

Until then, I’m going to keep collecting dating stories, so I can have great fodder for my book.

xoxo

Shannon Rose Allen

Girls, Ladies, Women, Broads, Bitches, Sluts and Whores

If you live in 2014 (which if you’re reading this, you absolutely do, or perhaps you are a zombie??) then you’ve used all of these words in everyday life.

I use these words daily.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t believe words have power over us. As much as I would like to believe that the word “bitch” and “slut” and “whore” can become meaningless as long as we choose how we use them, I don’t always believe that’s true.

I’m writing this post in response to the overwhelming flood of opinions about the HBO show, GIRLS, which had a two-episode premier the other night.

My 26-year-old self, loved it, but as I turned to Facebook, I realized everyone did not share my sentiments.

Many viewers saw GIRLS as making women seem “weak,” “unmotivated,” and possessing “shallow” relationships with their friends.

I needed to dig a little deeper to see what this is all about.

And I think it comes down to a few things.

The first being a generational difference.

GIRLS is a show that can appeal to women and men of all generations, HOWEVER, I believe there is a disconnect between millennials and those of generations previous.

According to Wikipedia, “Millennials, or the Millennial Generation, also known as Generation Y, are the demographic cohort following Generation X. There are no precise dates when the generation starts and ends. Commentators use beginning birth years from the early 1980s to the early 2000s.”

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We are known as the “Peter Pan Generation.” Our elders call us “lazy,” “self-centered,” “self-righteous.” We are the generation who flounders. The generation who was promised the world by our parents and teachers, only to graduate high school or college amidst a depression where no jobs were available to us.

So why the hell would anyone expect a show that is supposed to be a real depiction of 20-something girls in New York City to be anything different than just that?!?

I don’t want to watch a show where girls in New York City live the life of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda.

As entertaining as Sex in the City was, that simply is NOT the reality anymore.

I love GIRLS because I see MYSELF in these women. If I want to fantasize about what I would love my life to be like living in New York, all I have to do is pick up an issue of Vogue. BUT, if I want to watch a snarky, slightly-exaggerated, albeit quirky version of what it’s like as a 20-something woman, I will watch GIRLS.

My next issue, is with women bashing on other women.

One big argument a lot of women put on Facebook was how these women seem “weak” and how they longed for the characters to appear “stronger.”

Why isn’t it okay to show a vulnerable woman? If we, as feminists, are TRULY fighting for women’s equality, why can’t we embrace both ends of the spectrum??

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Why do we, as women, have to go around judging other women CONSTANTLY. Do we feel the need to make ourselves feel prettier, stronger, better, more successful??? Why must “slut-shaming” be a term, which we are so familiar?

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Isn’t it okay that women in today’s world want to find out who they really are? Isn’t it okay that some women want to find husbands and others want to find careers, and others want BOTH!?

Isn’t it okay that women want to air out their dirty laundry for the world to see, because that makes them more liberated, or human, or just because they fucking CAN!?

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We need to stop saying that women in the media are “setting women back,” or “giving women a bad name,” because the fact of the matter is, in 2014, we HAVE A NAME.

The fact that some women demean other women for their choices, ironically gives THEM the label as setting women back.

This world is a big place, full of “smart” women, and “dumb” women, and “sluts” and “whores,” and “Madonnas,” and “prudes,” and “ugly” women, and “over-sexualized” women, and “crazy” women, and “psychotic” women, and “emotional” women, and “driven” women, and “liberal” women, and “conservative” women, and “sluts,” and “bitches,” and “CUNTS.”

There is room for everyone on this earth, and if you really see yourself as a feminist, we can either choose to embrace this an move forward with our own lives, or continue to shame other women, thus keeping us all down.

Just some food for though.

Signed, a crazy, emotional, smart, driven, floundering, sometimes unstable, sometimes stable, BITCH

Shannon Rose Allen

Mothers and Daughters

I’m guessing my readers know that this is by no means my favorite day.

A lot of emotions going on lately, but today I choose to only acknowledge the positive emotions.

Two years ago, my mother passed away. And when I returned to Boston to finish school, I was lost. I was grieving and learning to deal with my new “motherless” life.

By chance I got an email from the Music Business department in the summer before the fall semester was due to start. It was about a position at the popular Berklee venue, Cafe 939 The Red Room.

The job description called for someone enthusiastic  hard-working, quick on their feet, and someone who had booking experience (which at that point I certainly hadn’t). I felt like I was under qualified  but at the last minute I said, “What the hell,” and submitted my resume and cover letter.

I got a call about an interview time and made sure to wear my FAVORITE business outfit: High waisted grey dress pants, my blue button down and my colorful COACH scarf (that was my mother’s) tied around my neck. I pulled my hair into a low bun and wore heels that were not too tall, but made me look professional.

I remember everything about this day.

It was the day I met Jackie Indrisano.

I walked into the green room of the venue and sat down for the interview. I thought I was going to be nervous, but Jackie made me feel right at home. I quickly discovered that I might not be under-qualified at all, but actually felt like it was the perfect fit!

A few days later I got the call from Jackie herself that I was a new member of the 939 team. I was ELATED! I already had a job at Berklee in the bookstore, but I was DETERMINED to make both my jobs work out as well as all my school work. At this point in my life… keeping busy was essential.

I came into the office for the first time and was absolutely intimidated. Jackie runs a tight ship at the venue and I felt like I was the scared new kid hiding in the corner.

That didn’t last long.

It was Jackie who showed me the ropes of the venue.

She drove me to the T when I worked late shifts.

She always made sure we had food and water if we were working late, and that we had plenty to take home.

I remember thinking to myself as we began to get to know each other better… “Wow, she reminds me a lot of Ro…”

Then there was the night where we were at a dinner celebration for one of the 939 family members. Jackie and I had a few margaritas and headed back to the venue because my boyfriend (at the time) was going to pick us up, drive Jackie to the orange line, and take me home.

Jon was running late, so we had a lot of time to talk to each other.

I think that was the moment that I knew this woman was going to be someone special in my life.

I talked about my mother, and she recounted the story of her father dying. I was so candid about my experiences, which was difficult for me at the time because everything was so fresh.

I don’t know that I’ve ever said this before, but I believe my mom sent Jackie to me.

I know, I know… it all sounds SO cheesy and whatnot, but I do.

I needed a mother figure in my life. I was lost. I was lonely. I was sad.

And Jackie was there to help guide me through it all.

Ro always believed in guardian angels… so much so that she used to say it was a guardian angel who brought her and my dad together.

So now, I know Ro is my guardian angel, because she gave me Jackie.

In these two years that I’ve had the privilege to know her, Jackie has become more than a mentor. She’s become a surrogate mother, a life coach, a shoulder to cry on, someone to celebrate success with, and a friend to have a cocktail with!

I’ve been welcomed into her family and consider Angelo, Michaelangelo, Sadie and Baby Puppy my second family.

Words cannot express what this woman has done for me. She has provided the love and affection that I was missing so desperately after Ro passed away. She helped me move to New York CIty. She has gotten me audition opportunities, job opportunities, introduced me to SO many people in the industry and furthered my career. She has listened to me bawl my eyes out on the phone about my crazy life. She took care of my when my heart was broken by a boy I thought I was going to marry.

We went through the Boston Marathon Bombings together, and it only made us stronger.

And last of all: today is her birthday.

So happy Mother’s Day/Birthday to an incredible woman. You truly brought me back to life when I needed it most.

xoxo

Shannon Allen

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Sex, Hugs and Rock and Roll

Dad: Don’t read this.

Listen up.

You want Shan Bitch!?!

Well here she is.

Let me make a few things VERY clear.

I have an abundance of strong, smart, amazing men in my life. My dad, my brother, friends’ husbands and boyfriends.

But there are NONE in my romantic life.

Period.

Douche after DOUCHE after DOUCHE! I need a damn break!

You wanna get passive aggressive… go do it to someone who GIVES A FUCK! And I’ll have a great time calling you out in a passive aggressive blog post. There… We’re fucking even.

I’m just going to lay out a few (or many) guidelines, rules and “things you should know” about me.

This is for any potential man who wants to date me. In the future… I swear I’m going to make someone read this fucking list… because if they want to run away screaming and crying like a little whiny douche canoe, FEEL FREE MOTHER FUCKERS.  I’d rather get an honest answer about if someone likes me or not rather than some fucking passive aggressive social media post or some other dumb fucking way.

Here it goes.

SHAN’S ULTIMATE LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW (EXPECT CONSTANT CHANGES):

1. I need a LOT of love and attention. I’m an attention whore in pretty much every aspect of my life, and in a relationship, I’m no different. I expect to be told how much I mean to you all the time and constantly be flattered with comments about how beautiful, smart, interesting and talented I am. (I will probably blush and say someone self-depricating about myself in return… but know that I really like your compliments).

2. I like to talk A LOT. Get over it.

3. I’m loud as FUCK. Get over it.

4. I will probably embarrass you in public because I’m not afraid to start conversations with complete strangers during dates. (It’s known to happen).

5. I’m NOT neat. My room is a mess.

6. I have a ton of clothes… many of them contain spikes, glitter, feathers and other aspects you probably don’t understand being a straight male.

7. My red lipstick will probably get on your clothes.

8. I also wear a TON of makeup when I want to (complete with fake lashes) and none when I don’t want to.

9. I’m going to have FAT DAYS and UGLY DAYS and MOODY DAYS and days when I hate EVERYTHING about myself. Just nod, smile and tell me that you care about me. I will probably be a complete bitch, but also get really offended if you back off and give me space.

10. BECAUSE when I push you away… it means I really want you closer. (How’s that for logic?)

11. I’m going to tell you that I don’t care a lot… but I really do care. Because I care about most things… probably more than I should. I also take EVERYTHING personally.

12. I will drunk dial you: EVERY time I get drunk. I will apologize the next morning, but I won’t really be sorry about it. I’ll probably just be annoyed (both while drunk and sober) if you didn’t answer my call or text.

13. I HATE TEXTING! Even though I do it constantly. The reason I really text is because in my experience, men in my dating age range HATE talking on the phone… it weirds them out and makes them think that women are “clingy” when really I just want to hear your fucking voice.

14. Every man I’ve ever dated has gotten the disclaimer: “YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE ME! I’M CRAZY.” But has laughed it off. No one has been able to handle me. Ever. Period. I don’t apologize for who I am… so if you don’t want to work at it… don’t even start.

15. I will cry. A lot. Mostly about my mom. If you can’t deal with this, I’m not your girl.

16. I LOVE sports. I follow the NFL, MLB, NBA, college football and basketball. However, I expect you to go to the ballet, theater, music venue with me even if you don’t like those things. I FUCKING LIKE SPORTS… how many girls you’ve dated can say that? And I actually KNOW something about the teams I follow. If you really can’t compromise and do some of the artsy things I like… well fuck you.

17. I am a hypochondriac (for good reason) and I will always think I’m dying of something.

18. I expect you to tell me I look pretty even when I’m not. The only men I accept the truth about in those situations are my gays.

19. I have a lot of fucking friends. I expect you to get to know them all and know their background stories and why they’re important to me.

20. If you are homophobic, racist or sexist: just stop now. Seriously. Don’t even waste your time.

21. I am a performer, which means I will have a crazy schedule. If you can’t keep up with the times I choose to be social, which is a lot of late nights… sorry bout it.

22. My favorite drink is whiskey diet. I also like craft beer. I will never drink beer when I have a fat day.

23. I take my coffee iced, with soy milk and LARGE. It is rare that I ever drink hot coffee.

24. I sing along with every song that is playing… which I think is okay because I have a good voice.

25. I judge you based on your favorite bands.

26. I want you to be head over heels for me. I don’t like nonchalant men. I want you to be all about me, all the time, no exceptions.

27. I want to give you a lot of attention. This is not me being “clingy,” it’s just my way of showing you that I LIKE YOU. Human connection is what I thrive on… I like to be talking 90% of my day. Just look at my cell phone call list.

28. I will probably be completely skeptical of every nice thing you do for me for about a month. Then I will let it go. There are going to be times when I doubt you, because as I mentioned before… I’ve NEVER been treated the way I deserve by anyone I’ve ever loved.

29. If you’re going to ever get me a gift, put some thought into it. A cheap, thoughtful gift means more than any expensive generic gift… at least to me.

and FINALLY

30. I expect lots of sex, hugs and rock and roll in our relationship. I want PASSION and LOVE and GIGGLES and nights where we don’t sleep because we just want to stay up and talk. I want SPONTANEITY and RESPECT and CARE. 100% of the time. Not just 99.9% of the time. All the time, 24/7. I want to FIGHT and SCREAM at you when I “hate” you and FIGHT AND SCREAM at you because I care about you so much that I won’t give up. I want to get wasted and make out with you on the subway in my five inch heels. I want you to hold my hand when we walk around New York City. I want you to spoon me when I’m sad and laugh at me when I fall on my ass.

And in return…

I will scratch your back when you’ve had a long day. I will watch Sports Center with you before we go to bed. I will leave red lipstick all over your face and clothes. I will laugh at you the first time you poop in my apartment/fart in front me… and I will never let you forget about it. I will write songs about you/blog about you/tweet about you. I will make our pictures my profile picture and be a stupid mushy girl in texts to you.  I will love and respect all your friends and remember ever birthday, anniversary, significant moment. I will be crazy passionate.

You will NEVER find another girl like me.

And I don’t expect you to.

This weekend I was at one of my best friend’s weddings and I got up and spoke at the rehearsal dinner. I told the story of how Krista and I were having a heart to heart in Theta and I remember her saying to me, “I don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as I love them.” Well… I know now that she has Alex, she never has to worry about not being loved enough.

I feel like the same statement up to this point, has been absolutely true.

And some (crazy) man is going to prove me wrong.

Someday.

DEFINITELY not today.

But someday.

When the time is right.

So take me or leave me.

I’m not changing.

xoxo

One FIERCE Bitch,

Shannon Rose Allen

Oh yeah… and this is how FUCKING AWESOME my makeup was this weekend…

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Cancer Scares and Teddy Bears

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Or should I say Happy Singles Awareness Day?

You choose.

I really didn’t mean for this particular post to fall on Valentine’s Day… but so be it.

Here goes.

I’ve always been an open book.

Sometimes my friends question me as to why I don’t keep more of my life to myself.  Of course there are things that I don’t share with the world, but I really can’t think about much in my life that I haven’t shared with at least my family or close friends.

I have a few people who know ALL my dirty laundry, and I know theirs.  I feel like when I get to know someone on such a fundamental level, that we are truly connected.

I’m an artist. I tell my story through my songs and my writing. I’ve become so comfortable with my blog, that I feel like I can be incredibly honest with my readers, and I think they like my honesty.

I know that pretty much every blog starts out with a disclaimer, but I feel like I needed to speak my peace before I go ahead with this post.

Say whatever you want to say about me, but you can’t fault me for my honesty. I own every bit of information that I share with you, and I have absolutely no shame.

So I have (had?) Stage 0 Cervical Cancer.

There. I said it.

Before anyone starts fucking FREAKING out, I’M FINE.

I will say it again… I’M FINE!

The doctors caught it early. I had surgery to remove the cancerous cells and I have to be monitored very closely for the next few years.

Before you all make assumptions, let me tell you that “Stage 0” is also known as when someone has CIN III abnormal cervical cells. There are three stages of CIN abnormal cells, and I just so happened to have developed the most severe.

Being that I am young, my doctor feels like I should be able to bounce back from this easily, but she did say that it was also concerning that this was happening to me at such a young age.

My brother and my dad were there for the surgery. It was very non invasive and didn’t take long at all. Then my sister-in-law came to town and we spent the week/weekend together.

Now: let me make this clear. I will be very happy to answer anyone’s questions about what’s going on, but I will NOT tolerate any freaking out or extreme behavior from friends and family. I appreciate everyone’s concern and I will say it again: I’M FINE!

Funny thing about cancer. It just keeps wanting to show up in my life… and everyone else’s.

So getting this call from my doctor was pretty harsh.

I would have to say that my biggest fear in life is being diagnosed with cancer… of any kind. So when my doctor told me that I was at the last stage of pre-cancers before it turned into what they call “invasive cancer” I freaked out.

It’s really funny when something like this happens to you and you go through the process of telling family and friends.

The reactions were all over the place. Some people were upset, some people were calm and supportive… and then there were a few people who were like “stop being over dramatic.”

Really?!

Yes, I know that I am not the first person to get this kind of news. And I’m thankful that my news was not nearly as devastating as it could have been, but please don’t belittle the situation.

I am BEYOND happy that my surgery was a success and that I can feel better at night knowing that I don’t have possibly cancer cells growing in my body, but I felt as though I was given the “Drama Queen” card by some people.

From my experiences with Ro and her process of telling people her situation, it seems to me that cancer does funny things to people. When someone comes up to you with bad news, I think some of us don’t know how to deal with the shock or emotion, so we belittle things to set it straight in our own minds that everything is okay.

I’ll admit it: when Ro gave us the news that her cancer was Stage 4, I did all the research I could to understand what was happening, and even though I knew she had a 5% chance of living more than 5 years from that point, I believed she would be fine.

The human brain is a funny thing.

But I digress… my news is not NEARLY comparable to what happened to my mother, but this cancer scare sure brought back a lot of memories of sitting around the kitchen table and being given bad news. Or all the times Ro called me in Boston to tell me that she was on a new clinical trial. Or the time my dad was coming to Boston for “business” and was really coming to take me home to spend my final months with my mom.

On the flip side, it’s incredible how much support I received from people.  As I’ve mentioned before, it’s very easy to feel lonely in a city like New York, and it’s nice to remember that I am constantly surrounded by good, loving people, even when I feel alone.   I wish I could let those people know how much I truly appreciate them.  One day, (when I have more money), I will find time to visit everyone on all the various corners of the Earth where all my best people reside and try to give them back all the love they give to me. 🙂

And speaking about giving back… some of you may be wondering why I haven’t started my crowdfunding campaign for breast cancer yet.

Well… this cancer scare was a big reason.

Also, I have my off-broadway show, went through a big career change and have a few exciting things coming up that may make me INCREDIBLY busy in the next few months.  With that said, I DO very much want to do the 3-Day this year, but before I sign up for anything and start raising money, I have to figure out some “unknowns” right now.

I have also decided that 100% of what I raise will go to Susan G. Komen. I’m not going to take any portion for myself.  Good things will come to me as far as performing, singing and recording.  This campaign is going to be strictly about helping others.

So why did I name this blog “Cancer Scares and Teddy Bears?”

Because I didn’t want this blog to be so serious.

And because I love teddy bears. 🙂

So with that, I will leave you with a love song for Valentine’s Day. Sadly, I don’t have a romantic Valentine, but I DO have a lot of love to share with you all. 🙂

Love,

Shannon Rose Allen

Oh! Also! Look at the beautiful roses my dear friend Katie got me today. 🙂 I LOVE YOU! You can follow her blog at: http://beerandclothingincleveland.wordpress.com

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A Pre-Thanksgiving Tidbit

I got to Boston this morning at 3:45 a.m.

I’m exhausted.

But I’ve had an epiphany in the last few hours.

I’m SO thankful for my family, my friends (who are like family), my health, and the opportunities I’ve been given.

Jackie and I watched the HBO documentary “The Education of Dee Dee Ricks” today about a woman who had “everything” and was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It documents her journey of recovery, as well as her less-fortunate friend, Cynthia, from Harlem, who was not so lucky in her road to recovery.

Please check out this website: http://www.theeducationofdeedeericks.com/

And watch the trailer…

Dee Dee’s story is important. It’s one of honesty, empowerment, and the shifting of life goals and expectations.

Today… I decided to shift mine.

Life is too short.

Let me rephrase… life is too FUCKING short.

Today I decided that 2013 will be DEVOTED to my music, spreading love and helping others.

I’ve had a few doors slam in my face lately, but I think that all these signs are pointing to the fact that I MUST follow my heart and be a performer.

I don’t care what I have to do… I NEED to perform and keep making music.

I’m grateful that I have two feet to stand on, a voice to sing with, and the means to help others with my story.

BIG thinks are coming.

I just needed this week to push me over the edge.

2013… WATCH OUT!

Here comes your girl,

SHAN HALEN