20 Things New Yorkers LOVE to HATE

20. The Weather

Let’s be real. This is pretty much the first thing out of any New Yorker’s mouth when it’s raining, snowing, cold, hot, windy, sunny, cloudy, or even a reasonable temperature. New Yorkers will never cease at the opportunity to complain about the weather.

Lately we’ve being going through the period of the “polar vortex” and some people have said that New York is not as cold as other places in the country.

Yes, we are aware.

HOWEVER, most of us don’t drive and then THIS happens:

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There is nothing worse than walking around on a rainy New York day and having the bottom half of your pants SOAKED in water, and then your umbrella turning inside out, ruining your perfectly straightened hair and causing your mascara to run all over your face.

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DON’T even get me started on the summer months…

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Although I’ll be completely honest, when people ask me if I would rather live anywhere else, I say no.

I grew up in Cleveland, where the weather was even more bat-shit crazy than here… I’ll survive.

19. Slow Walkers

We live in New York.

WE HAVE PLACES TO BE!!!!

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GET OUT OF MY WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

At least if you are going to be slow, please do not go all “Sex and The City” style on me and hold hands with your girlfriends and TAKE UP THE ENTIRE SIDEWALK.  That is NOT how people walk here, despite what every movie or television show you’ve seen about New York tells you.

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18. Hipsters

I actually have a lot of love for Hipsters. I also dress like one from time to time (those clothes are COMFY).

But I think the general consensus on why New Yorkers hate hipsters, is the pretentious attitude that goes along with the hipster persona.

Especially when this is true:

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There is nothing worse than getting in a conversation with a hipster and them making you feel bad about literally every life choice you’ve ever made.

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Or worse: makes you feel like an idiot for not knowing “that band” or shuns you for being “so mainstream.”

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To which I reply:

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17. Train Construction/Planned Service Changes

Oh that’s cute… you wanted to take that train from Midtown Manhattan to Brooklyn???

NOPE

You are going to have to transfer at least twice, wait 20 minutes between trains and then pack yourself like a fucking sardine into the car because everyone else is trying to do the same thing as you.

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16. The people that would rather live in LA than New York, but still live here…

Don’t complain to me how you hate everything about New York and can’t wait to move to LA.

And how New York is “so over,” and the industry is “all in LA.”

Just fucking do it!

No one is keeping you here!

Don’t sit around and shit on my city!

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17. Hot Garbage

Here is the evolution of smelling hot garbage in July.

At first you’re like:

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Then you’re like:

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Then it really starts to hit you and you’re like:

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Then you just get furious and you’re like:

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Then you cry:

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16. No Seamless or GrubHub delivery from a restaurant.

Wait??? We have to CALL and order our food? Or even worse… you don’t deliver??? I have to PICK IT UP!?!?!?

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15. Anyone with a flyer

No! I do NOT want to go to the strip club, buy anything from your shitty electronics store that has been going out of business for months, or a coupon for your dry cleaning service that will probably lose my favorite dress shirt.

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And when I ignore you, that is NOT an invitation to stick your flyer closer to my face.

14. Lines at Starbucks

Guy in front of you has a super complicated coffee order:

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Then I get up to the counter and order something super simple. WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG FOR YOU TO FILL UP MY LARGE COFFEE WITH ROOM!?!?!

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13. Trying to Hail a Cab and “gypsy” cabs slow down

I am a single, 20-something living in a big city.

No, I would not like to jump in your unmarked car and end up in the East River.

K Thanks.

12. Pole Leaners

It’s okay, I didn’t want to grab on to a pole during rush hour on the subway or anything.

Clearly you are the ONLY ONE on the train right now because CLEARLY this is your own personal train.

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To you, I throw SHADE:

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11. Taxi drivers that treat you like tourists

I asked you to use the West Side Highway. But instead you chose to drive down Broadway… on a Friday night… at dinnertime.

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You’re not getting a good tip.

10. TOURISTS

I’m always happy to help a nice tourist with directions. I’m incredibly patient about answering questions. But DO NOT come to New York without doing your research.

This video will help you:

And you may THINK you look like this when you’re walking around the city:

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But you really look like this:

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We can spot you from a mile away.

9. Time Square/Herald Square

Every time I’m in these areas.

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And then I just start plowing through the rows and ROWS of clueless people standing everywhere.

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8. Hearing “IT’S SHOW TIME” on a subway train

There’s always a night on the train when my favorite song will come on my phone, and I’m quietly reading my New York Magazine. Content. Happy. Minding my own business…

“IT’S SHOW TIME!”

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7. Having to Leave your Burrough

You live out at the end of the J line?

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You’re silly.

6. “Sorry, we’re CASH ONLY” 

You get through your entire order at a restaurant/bar and then they’re like…

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So then you’re like…

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5. RENT

The rent is too damn high! Tell em Jimmy McMillan! LIKE A BOSS

4. Crowded, Sweaty, Loud Bars

Your friend drags you out to the hottest new club…

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And you are bumping into everyone, spilling your drink all over your brand new dress.

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So then you just say fuck it, and make due.

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3. Alcohol Prices

If you’re like me, you enjoy going out on the weekends… and the weekdays… and Sunday during the day… and sometimes during the day in general…

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So you go to a cute, new cocktail place and try out one of the fancy bourbon drinks.

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“That will be $27.50. Would you like to open a tab?”

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But you pay anyway… because you want to get drunk.

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2. Time Warner Cable

They may wish to provide you with top-quality customer service…

But they won’t.

You want to pay a reasonable amount for cable and internet and still get the speed you need as well as all the channels you want???

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Then you’ll tell them how another company quoted you something much less for an exorbitant amount more, but they don’t care.

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Then you cry.

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1. Dating

Dating in New York is a tricky one.

Usually the first date is a whirlwind of warm fuzzies. You feel like you’ve FINALLY made a connection with someone in a city with literally millions of people.

And there is cuteness…

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And cuddling…

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Then sometime after this, the other person’s texts start to get shorter and shorter. And then they eventually disappear off the face of the earth.

And you’re all like, “What the hell happened??”

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Then the overanalyzing starts.

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And then you’ll casually text about meeting up, because you think there still might be hope.

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And then you will see a “read receipt” that says the other person read that text, but get a text two days later saying, “SO SORRY! Just now seeing this… sorry I’ve been SO busy with work.”

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Until you finally decide you’re going to confront this ass hole for making you a crazy bitch.

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Then one the rage is over, acceptance sets in. You become your rational self again, and realize that it was the other person, not you.

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Until your best friend tells you they just got engaged…

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Then you’ll talk behind her back because you’ve just lost another single friend… leaving you out in the cruel world of dating.

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Rinse and repeat.

Happy Saturday! 🙂

Love,

Shan Baby

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Today, I got my eyes dilated. And other tales…

So I was blind pretty much the entire day.

Actually I’ve been partially blind for the past few weeks.

Yes.

I know.

Really??? Another medical problem that Shan has acclaimed???

It’s not too surprising.

If you need a refresher on my abismal medical history, please read this blog post I wrote about being picked up from the “used baby lot.” https://shannonallenmusic.wordpress.com/2012/05/25/my-parents-picked-me-up-from-the-used-baby-lot-half-price/

So I’ve been getting this weird blind-ish spot in my left eye sometimes when I read. Basically leading me to spend 3 hours in the ER a few weeks ago and then 5 hours the next morning getting tests done to make sure that I’m ACTUALLY not going blind.

Today was my follow-up appointment. At 7 FUCKING 45 in the morning.

Three hours later the doctors reported that, STILL, nothing was wrong.

Then they referred me to a neurologist.

Fantastic.

So my eyes are severely dilated, I’m extremely tired of getting up early and then sitting in a waiting room, and I now have to get to work.

I can’t see a damn thing.

Then I think to myself, “Oh shit Shan! You need to drop your laundry off before you go to the wedding this weekend!”

Aaaaaaaand it was pouring in Washington Heights. Actually… It was raining sideways.

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Picture this: Shan with her GIGANTIC, purple Puma bag (As Jackie likes to call it: Big Purple), two enormous loads of laundry, a shitty umbrella, and my dorky green work shirt.

In two minutes, my pants were soaked up to my upper thigh.

So what did I do??? I jumped in a fucking cab and made him take me two blocks north to the place I drop my laundry off.

On a side note: No. I do not do my own laundry. Go ahead and judge me, but when a place will wash, dry and fold your shit for a dollar a pound and you don’t have to sit in a laundromat or save up a bunch of fucking quarters, YOU tell me which one you would choose.

I thought so.

Anyway… I jump into the cab and the guy starts yelling at me because I didn’t put my bags in the trunk.

(This is where I get all “New York Shan” on this guy’s ass)

“OH I’M SORRY MR. CAB DRIVER… THERE IS A BIG FUCKING PUDDLE IN FRONT OF YOUR TRUNK AND I’M ALREADY SOAKED. THANKS!

He was not pleased.

Whatever.

So I get there and both my bags are soaked, making them even heavier. Oh yeah… and my umbrella is broken in half. I don’t even know how that happens?!

I sulk of to work, in a TERRIBLE mood… still not able to see a DAMN thing.

Mind you, I work at a place where it is pretty imperative that I be able to read fine print. Everyone at the store told me I looked like a vampire… which I guess is pretty bad ass.

I’ll take it.

They put me back in shipping and receiving so I wouldn’t scare people…

Which by the way… the men in shipping and receiving at my work are incredibly hilarious and crass… so I fit right in.

The day progressively got better and then I got home to a very nice email for an opportunity that miss Raven Mamma J hooked up for me. 🙂

The moral of this tale?

I don’t know…

Maybe it takes going through a shitty day of being wet/blind to realize how lucky you are when you are warm/not blind in your New York City apartment reading an email that could determine your future.

(Love you Jackie!)

xoxo

Shan Baby

BOOBS! …and other random thoughts…

So today when I was on my way to work, I read that Sharon Osbourne underwent a double mastectomy after finding out that she carried the breast cancer gene.

All the sudden I almost had a heart attack.

Not because this is necessarily shocking news, because I feel like Sharon made a smart move.  However, it just made me remember that I’ve been putting off a task since my mom died: Getting tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes.

Now… my Aunt (my mom’s sister) was tested about a year ago, and she did NOT have the gene.  BUT, my Aunt (my dad’s sister) had breast cancer when I was younger and THANKFULLY caught it early enough to survive.

The fact that I have breast cancer on both sides SCARES THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME.

I need to EVENTUALLY buck up and get tested.

So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty shitty my entire subway ride to work today, but then I get to work and find this video posted by a friend on my Facebook wall…

And it made me feel SO much better 😉

WHEN I get tested, and IF I have either of these genes, I will make the appropriate decision for me….

But until then… I can watch hot men tell me about checking for lumps 🙂

IN OTHER NEWS!

I know some people (mostly men in their 20s) were pissed about my last post.

Guess what: I don’t take back what I said. Too bad. If you don’t like it, you can either A) stop reading my blog or B) FUCK OFF… because I don’t care if you think that I should make a distinction between “boys” and “men” or that you think my blog posts make “no sense” because you just want to be a dick-wad.

Congrats to you, “clever” men… no boys… no guys… no… horses? pigs? man-bear-pig? Who fucking cares. YOU have officially made it on to my list of ASS HOLES! Hooray!

And for those inquiring: NO, that post was NOT just about a single, human being. It was about several of them. In fact, it was about pretty much every person of the male species (gays excluded) that I’ve met here in this lovely city of mine.

There: that felt good. I’m really not mad… I just needed to let out that steam…

Feels great

IN OTHER, OTHER NEWS…

It’s Thanksgiving soon! It will be nice to get out of New York for a few days… and eat. and eat. and drink.

IN OTHER, OTHER, OTHER NEWS…

I’m reading Jenny Lawson’s book: “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)” and I think it’s just about the funniest thing I’ve ever read.  People have looked at me cross-eyed on the train because I break out into random fits of laughter on my daily commute.

You can check her out here: http://thebloggess.com/

I was reading her book today and came across this gem that described EXACTLY how I was feeling today…

“Women scare me enough, but bloggers can be even more frightening to deal with. Most bloggers are emotionally unstable and are often awkward in social situations, which is why so many of us turned to blogging in the first place.  Also, they are always looking for something to write about, so if you fuck something up it will be blogged, Facebooked, and retweeted until your death.” -Jenny Lawson

A. Men.

This woman wrote down all the twisted things that everyone WISHES they could say, but they don’t.

I. Love. Her.

AND FINALLY… In my final tidbit of the night.

I’m hoping to launch my campaign either on my birthday (December 20th) or in early January.

If you haven’t watched the video… please watch… and share 🙂

I hope I haven’t pissed to many people off tonight. If I have… I’m sorry, I’m not sorry.

Shannon Allen

NYC vs. LA

For those of you who don’t know… I took a week-long trip to LA.

It all started when I got an executive callback for the NBC show, The Voice, back in August.

Yes.

I got a callback from The Voice.

I flew out to LA last Sunday, determined to show NBC that I was the best damn singer/performer that they’d ever seen!

Well. They cut me.

I was shocked, especially since I gave my best audition to date, but that’s show business people!

The real story of this blog post starts when I asked miss Christina Brehm to pick me up from the hotel after I got cut.

The producers (who were incredibly nice and AWESOME) were nice enough to delay my flight so that I could spend the rest of the week with my best friend on the West Coast.

And then began one of the CRAZIEST, most memorable, half weeks of my life!

Let’s just say it was so nuts that I feel like it’s best left as a big secret to live on in infamy in my own brain.

But for those of you who want hints as to what this infamy entailed….

Here is “Shannon Allen’s guide to NYC vs. LA”

We’ll start off easy.

1. In LA, you drive. In NYC, you walk, take the subway… or if you have expendable cash… take a cab.

2. In LA, we have beaches. In NYC, you have Central Park.

3. In LA, you speak in highways and exits (Get off the 101 and take Mullholand, to blah blah blah blah.. (I have no clue). In NYC you speak in cross streets (drop me off at 59th and Broadway)

4. In LA, everyone smokes weed. In NYC… everyone smokes weed.

5. In LA, everyone is a bartender/actress/model/musician. In NYC, everyone is a bartender/broadway hopeful/artist/musician.

6. In LA, you have big, high gates. in NYC, you have doormen.

7. In LA, you have traffic. In NYC, you have train delays

These are some of the more obvious differences.

Now here is “Shannon Allen’s PERSONAL guide to NYC vs. LA”

1. In NYC, all my friends are gay. In LA, all my friends are lesbians. (Hey… I’m just a Queen Queen, what can I say??)

2. In NYC, I’m the “cool” girl FRIEND who watches football with the guys, talk politics, and music. In LA, I’m the cute, mysterious girl from New York who works in the music industry.

3. In NYC, I buy my own drinks or go to the gay bars when they have open bar. In LA, boys (and girls) buy me drinks… LOTS of drinks…

4. In NYC, I have yet to have my first New York date. In LA, I met a boy who wants to take me on a date when he comes to visit.

5. In NYC, I have yet to have my first New York kiss. In LA, I had…. a few kisses…

6. In NYC, everyone likes that I can identify my surroundings by cross streets (or else it’s a pain in the ASS to meet up with friends.) In LA, everyone rolls their eyes when I talk about that place on 101 and Broadway that has the BEST BRUNCH in town.

7. In NYC, I drink whiskey, beer, and wine, then go out at 4 a.m. for a fresh slice of New York style pizza. In LA, I drink cocktails… and whiskey, beer and wine… and get sick.

8. In NYC, I live in the “poor” part of town. In LA, no one fucking knows me. Hell! I live in Beverly Hills if that’s what you wanna hear! 🙂

9. In NYC, I take a walk in Central Park, and see a bum shitting on a tree. In LA, I walk a canyon and am almost on the show where Betty White has old people prank young people. Fucking NUTS!

And finally… my favorite comparison (although there can never be a comparison between these two entities) between NYC and LA…

10. In NYC, my #1 bitty/partner-in-crime/singing buddy on the subway/beer drinking bimbo/fruit fly dancing/shake our asses in the street and not give a shit/wing-woman is Miss Jennifer Chianesi AKA Lady Nesi.  In LA, my #1 bestie/beautiful blonde babe/make me feel okay when I embarrass myself/watch ridiculous chick flicks/stand up for what we believe in till we die/dancing divas/walking around the city telling people who don’t like us to “FUCK OFF”/cry on each other’s shoulders/hold each others’ hair back/wing-woman is Miss Christina Brehm AKA Brehmy.

I wish I could carry them both in my pockets, along with all my other best friends from around the country.

And SPEAKING of best friends… don’t think that the rest of you aren’t loved!!! You know at my wedding I’m going to have just as many bridesmaids as bridesmen. Hay Hay!

Love the bi-coastal, big booty, babe who can pick up guys around the world, Lady Business chick,

Shannon Fucking Allen.

Shit My Friends Say: 2nd Edition

Here are the best quotes of the week:

“Actually I’m in Manhattan! I went to a spa and got a facial. Wow… I’m so gay…” (I heart my gay boys!!)

“What IS that… a condom on his head???”

“I tried to poop at work and the toilet wouldn’t flush and I was like, ‘What am I gonna do?” So I though in my head: ‘my co-workers can’t see my poop! So I’m gonna have to scoop it out with my hands and throw it in a clear plastic bag…'”

“There is nothing like having a girl’s thighs try to crack your head like a walnut while going down on her. It’s EXHILARATING!”

(While I’m using mouthwash) “Shannon! Titty Fart!” (I almost spit out my mouthwash!)

“I had to WASH myself after that.  We didn’t fuck for like… 3 weeks!”

AND THE CROWNED JEWEL OF THE WEEK:

(on a voicemail) Hey Shan… so I just went to call in my prescriptions to CVS and I looked at the bottle and it said Shannon Allen and I was like… HOLY SHIT! I’ve been taking your pills for the last week because we take the same pill and the same milligrams.  Whoopsie! Good thing we are on the same pills! So if I start acting crazy, like Shannon Allen, you know why!

Glad to know that my friends and I can share pills….

Shannon Allen: The girl with crazy friends… who are on the same pills as me…

🙂

Shit my Friends Say

I’m going to try to do an edition of “Shit my Friends Say” on a weekly basis.

Here you go.

“Don’t run over a homo! That’s a hate crime!”

“Everyone has a shit story…”

“We are NOT watching anymore reality TV tonight… I need to regain my manhood…”

“I shit behind the Rocky statue. There was a couple getting engaged… and I’m shitting on a statue…”

Quoting Stefon: “New York’s hottest night club is bbbbbbbbbbbbbRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBBBBBbbbbbbbbbbbb”

Me: “Why are these people crying??? It’s so dumb.” Roommate: “BECAUSE THEY ARE THE WORST PEOPLE ON EARTH. THERY ARE THE REASON EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD HATES US.” Me: Okay… I’m still watching it anyway”

Me: (show my roommate a shirt with a rock and a star on it that says “Rock Star”) “I think this is SO funny! I bought it for like four dollars at H&M because it’s so cute and funny.”  Roommate: “You think that’s funny, but not Two and a Half Men?!?!   Me: yes.

Quoting the viral YouTube video: “I love cats. I love every kind of cat. I want to hug them all, but I can’t. Can’t hug every cat. Can’t hug every cat.”

“The night is young, Shan… the night is young…”

“Should we split a bottle of wine. (Pause) YES!”

“Fairytail?? That has to be the gayest sounding gay bar ever. Let’s go!” -one of my gay friends 🙂 (and yes… that’s how it’s spelled)

My friends are gems 🙂

Shan

Diamonds, Studs, Roaches and Bugs plus one DAMN good guitar player!

I tried to make the last part of my title rhyme, but that didn’t work…

Anyway… This post is basically the highlights of quite a crazy week! My life has continued to be a spider web of crazy happenings, all weaving into one eventful, hilarious and jam-packed week filled with some interesting highs and lows!

Side note: Sometimes I don’t mention names of people on my blog, because I’m not sure if they want their “lady businesses” exposed.  Until they tell me it’s okay… I won’t refer to some people by name. 🙂

High: Obtaining the Brazilian visa for my boss.

I think my blog post about this says enough.  SHIT! Glad that’s over.  Luckily I have an AMAZING boss who was incredibly understanding through the entire process.

I’m tired of talking about it. moving on.

High: Seeing a good friend from Berklee after not seeing him for months! Plus… dancing the night away at several gay bars!

It’s always great to see an old friend! Meeting up with him was like we never spent time apart. Is anyone surprised that I ended up at a bunch of gay bars??? Neither am I.  🙂

Guess it’s just my lot in life to be surrounded by sexy men… although I can never pursue them. Sigh…

I don’t think I have ever sweated so much as I did at the gay bars.  Our entire group of friends was the LIFE of the party.  We were singing, posing, laughing, whipping out hair back and forth and doing runway walks that would make Tyra jealous! We definitely had  quite the Kiki, and I was surprised to know that I knew more about gay life in New York than my gay friend from Berklee! Don’t worry… I will teach him my ways! 🙂 And introduce him to many, many sexy men.

I think I want to become a gay match-maker.  I can see the reality show title reading “The Fruit Fly Matchmaker.”

(In a dramatic voice) “Watch as Shannon Allen, self-proclaimed Princess of Pride and Fruit Fly, as she sets up the sexiest men of New York City… WITH EACH OTHER!”

I’d watch it 😉

Low: Although I was happy to see my future roommate, waking up at 5:30 a.m. to let him in the door after dancing the night away, was not so much fun!

When my phone rang at 5:30 a.m. I was so delirious and I probably looked like a sweaty hooker with my raccoon eye makeup and Dark Knight Joker-looking smeared lipstick.  Not to mention my messed up high bun that I sleep in because my apartment is 100 degrees.  I think I must have thrown a pillow at him, and flopped back onto my bed.  I knew we had to be up in a few hours to go to apartment showings, so I went to sleep like a rich housewife on sleeping pills.

Low: Seeing some terribly overpriced apartments and dealing with shady brokers.

The next morning, we woke up and got ready to head downtown for a few apartment showings.

We had a broker basically lie to us about the initial price, and were shown four apartments that were so out of our price range, I wanted to barf.  Not to mention the vapid group of girls who came on the tours with us, who said “like” every other word and complained about everything.  We got the fuck out of there ASAP and headed to our second apartment showing.

When we got to the apartment, there was a line outside of potential renters.  This apartment was a little over our budget, but we figured it wouldn’t help to see what this two bedroom looked like.

It was a closet.

A fucking closet.

My first apartment in Boston was bigger than this apartment.  And that thing was TI-NY! Again, I almost threw up.

High: Meeting an honest, AMAZING broker, who later showed me some AMAZING apartments!

Even though the apartment seach was looking bleak, we met an incredibly nice broker who gave us the harsh reality of looking for apartments in New York. I appreciated her honesty, as well as her willingness to work with our lack-luster budget.   We gave her a realistic wish list, and she promised to show me apartments on Monday, since I had taken a few days off work to get all my ducks in a row for my permanent move to New York.

High: The Upper, Upper East Side Supper Club

My ex boyfriend’s old roommate was born and raised in Queens, and he invited my new roommate and I to his girlfriend’s place for a dinner party.  I am SUCH a fan of his cooking, and this dinner party did not disappoint.  I made some new friends, ate some good food, and had some GOOD mint juleps! My new roommate and I are now officially a part of the Upper, Upper East Side Supper Club!

High: Spending all of Saturday night listening to live music and dancing.

After a delicious dinner, we headed down to the village to see some live music.  We went to about 3 different clubs before hitting up a bar with a live cover band.  This band was incredibly talented and reminded me a lot of what my nights used to be like in Boston, listening to hit songs from across the decades. Drinks were reasonably priced and the lead male singer was killing it!

Low: Douche bag men at the last bar.

After the cover band I really liked went off stage, another cover band took their place.  It was a 90s cover band, which in normal circumstance I would be psyched about, but then all the bros showed up at the bar.  I felt like such a loser next to all these men who would NEVER be interested in some poor girl with cut off jean shorts, purple chucks, and a screen printed tee shirt.  No… these men were douche-tastic idiots who took one look at me, and drunkenly fumbled around to the hot girls, all the while almost knocking my whiskey diet right out of my hand and all over my shirt.

Now, I’m not attempting to be self-deprecating here, because I’m well aware that I’m a decent-looking human being, but it was SO glaringly obvious that these men were not interested in anything to do with me… and honestly… I’m pretty much putting the whole looking-for-a-guy thing WAY on the back burner for now.  I’ll stick to my gay friends who get me drinks, NOT spill them all over me, and dance with me, no matter if I’m in stilettos or chucks!

See you later straight boys, I’m off to have a kiki!

High: Having a mid-day wine kiki at my roommate’s salon.

Chetan was planning on going out in drag Sunday night, and had forgotten to bring his lady business to work with him.  My new roommate and I went downtown to run several errands and to drop off Chetan’s clothes really quick.  Little did we know that we walked into the salon and were greeted with glasses of wine along with rich conversation.

My new roommie is straight, and BOY did he get schooled on gay culture! He now feels great about himself because the owner of the salon was DROOLING over him as well as giving him pointers on how to dress and act in his new city!

What we thought was going to be a quick drop off was a two hour kiki. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had a lot of things to get done.

High: Seeing four awesome apartments and picking out my (hopefully!!!!) new place!

The next day I went with Chetan to look at some potential apartments. My broker was again, very honest and friendly.  We saw four place, two of which I LOVED! I immediately talked to all parties involved and decided to move forward with our favorite apartment: number 3 which is currently being renovated with a NEW bathroom, NEW kitchen and two HUGE rooms! Not to mention a killer living space for parties and hangouts!

I was expecting to get this deal locked down within a few days.

Little did I know what signing a lease in New York meant…

Low: Learning how difficult it is to sign a lease.

Being New York, we expected to pay a broker fee, which sucks, but at least it was expected. Our potential new landlord want bank statements, tax forms, letters from employers, pay stubs, proof that we pay utilities, social security cards.

Should I just bend over and get it over with??? Jesus… what do they want, my first born too??????

So it’s safe to say this week I’m going to bust my ass to get all this sensitive documentation, JUST so I can be CONSIDERED for a lease.  Not to mention that my roommate’s parents and my dad are acting as guarantors and there are background checks subjected to all leasing parties.  Great…

Low: Chasing around a cockroach (that we later found out was a water bug) around my room at 3 in the morning when Jen and I got up to take cough medicine.

That night I went to bed early, but woke up after feeling a little chest congestion.  Jen was feeling bad too, so we both were taking our respective cough medications when I spotted THE LARGEST BUG I’VE EVER SEEN crawling on our wall.  It was obviously some kind of roach-like thing, but we were later told it was too big to be a roach and was probably a water bug.  It makes sense, since our shower has been leaking, and it probably plopped out of the shower and scuttled into our room.

Mind you, this is around 3 a.m. and our windows are WIDE open.  I started screaming, and Jen ran away, only to return with a large skillet, ready to kill this GIGANTIC bug!

We chased the roach around for about 20 minutes and this fucker was GOOD! He ran away from all our attacks and then we lost him behind my bed.  We shined a flashlight under the bed and then WE FOUND HIM CRAWLING ON MY SHEETS!!!!!!!!! I jumped up and down, screaming like an idiot, while Jen yelled at me for not helping.  I didn’t care… I don’t fuck with roaches.  No, no, no sister friend… I don’t do bugs! Especially after all my bouts with bed bugs.

When we lost him again… we tip toed around the bed trying to shine light under the bed, so we could finally catch him.  After another five minutes of sweating and panicking, we were done for the night.  I took all twelve of my stuffed animal friends and put them on top of my wardrobe because I didn’t want no bugs all over my cuddle buddies! Then I grabbed a sheet and a pillow and slept in Chadd’s room.

We still do not know where the mystery bug is. I can only hope he’s in roach heaven… or HELL.

High: Getting my hair dyed by Chetan for next to NOTHING!

I woke up after a sleepless night to my phone ringing.  Chetan was calling from his salon to tell me that I could get my hair dyed simply for the price of the dye because he’s still in training! I went to the salon and got my hair dyed a beautiful dark chocolate brown and it looks fabulous. 🙂

I told him if he screwed up, that I know where he sleeps! 😉

High: Finally filling out my application for Theta’s alumni chapter and Women in Music

After the salon, I was on a MISSION to find a fabulous pair of spiked shoes that I’ve been eyeing for a while, so Jen and I ventured out into the heat.  I found a post office and am not OFFICIALLY a dues paying member of both Kappa Alpha Theta’s New York City Alumni Chapter as well as BMI’s Women in Music network!

Yay for networking.

Low: 99 degrees on Tuesday while walking around the city

On a shitty note: IT WAS 99 DEGREES ON TUESDAY! The sun was brutal, and it was so humid, you could cut the air with a knife. I always heard how bad New York summers were, but DAMN, it’s HOT! I sometimes take up to three showers a day because of all the sweat and grime that is layered on my skin after a day like that.

Ew.

High: buying the most FABULOUS pair of studded platform boots and a matching bra!

After all the heat, I reached my destination: Necessary Clothing in SOHO.

Yes: these now belong to me!

And so does this:

Look for these at my next gig.

Low: Tourists

The biggest misconception about New York: the people aren’t friendly.

I will explain to you why this misconception exists:

New York people HATE tourists but love other New Yorkers.

If you are going to a foreign country, it is polite to learn the new culture’s way of life. I expect non New Yorkers to have that courtesy when visiting the city. Yes, the city is confusing and YES it is large and filled with a lot of people, BUT THAT DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO ACT LIKE A DAMN FOOL!!!!!!! Get out of the middle of the sidewalk and for Christ’s sake: WALK FASTER! THIS IS NEW YORK PEOPLE!

If you simply cannot move faster, I don’t mind; there are lots of elderly people in the city. But if you are young, fit and capable of walking faster down the street, across the crosswalk, up and down the subway stairs, and in and out of trains, PLEASE DO.  Not all of us are here on vacation, and we can’t STAND when you hold the subway door because your wife is standing on the platform looking at her subway map upside down instead of moving her sweet ass into the train! I HAVE TO GO TO WORK! Stopping the train from leaving 42nd street station leaves me irate.  My commute is long enough without your stupidity.

On a lighter note, New York people are extremely friendly (to non-tourists that is).  Actually, I should rephrase that; not ALL tourists make me this mad… only the fucking idiots… which is most of them.

I will tell you that I’ve met more people on subways, streets, restaurants and coffee places than I ever did in Boston.  No one is afraid to compliment you on your style, or ask you how your day is going.  The lady who make my DELICIOUS Italian subs for lunch is incredibly nice.  Today we talked about how we make our spaghetti sauce and what other family dishes we love to make.  The people who work at my favorite coffee house (ironically named Grumpy’s) are so nice to me, that I always find myself giving them a tip because they are so friendly.

So a tip to everyone who wants to visit New York: DON’T ACT LIKE A TOURIST!

AND THE BIGGEST HIGH OF ALL: Watching my guitar player of THREE YEARS, Mr. Ed Ricco, win Guitar Center’s Battle of the Blues regional competition after TWO TIE BREAKERS!

My long-time guitar player, Ed Ricco, was in a pool of around 3,000 people and has climbed his way into the TOP 6 BLUES GUITARISTS! There was some tough competition, with TWO tie breakers that (of course) left Ed the winner.

Here are some videos! Jen and I are probably pretty obnoxious in the background, but we were definitely the most “spirited” fans of the bunch!

There are no words. Just none. Incredible.

I really do have the best friends and an unbelievable love-filled life.  I am so thankful that my lady business is exactly where it needs to be: here in New York!

Love,

Shan