Sex, Hugs and Rock and Roll

Dad: Don’t read this.

Listen up.

You want Shan Bitch!?!

Well here she is.

Let me make a few things VERY clear.

I have an abundance of strong, smart, amazing men in my life. My dad, my brother, friends’ husbands and boyfriends.

But there are NONE in my romantic life.

Period.

Douche after DOUCHE after DOUCHE! I need a damn break!

You wanna get passive aggressive… go do it to someone who GIVES A FUCK! And I’ll have a great time calling you out in a passive aggressive blog post. There… We’re fucking even.

I’m just going to lay out a few (or many) guidelines, rules and “things you should know” about me.

This is for any potential man who wants to date me. In the future… I swear I’m going to make someone read this fucking list… because if they want to run away screaming and crying like a little whiny douche canoe, FEEL FREE MOTHER FUCKERS.  I’d rather get an honest answer about if someone likes me or not rather than some fucking passive aggressive social media post or some other dumb fucking way.

Here it goes.

SHAN’S ULTIMATE LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW (EXPECT CONSTANT CHANGES):

1. I need a LOT of love and attention. I’m an attention whore in pretty much every aspect of my life, and in a relationship, I’m no different. I expect to be told how much I mean to you all the time and constantly be flattered with comments about how beautiful, smart, interesting and talented I am. (I will probably blush and say someone self-depricating about myself in return… but know that I really like your compliments).

2. I like to talk A LOT. Get over it.

3. I’m loud as FUCK. Get over it.

4. I will probably embarrass you in public because I’m not afraid to start conversations with complete strangers during dates. (It’s known to happen).

5. I’m NOT neat. My room is a mess.

6. I have a ton of clothes… many of them contain spikes, glitter, feathers and other aspects you probably don’t understand being a straight male.

7. My red lipstick will probably get on your clothes.

8. I also wear a TON of makeup when I want to (complete with fake lashes) and none when I don’t want to.

9. I’m going to have FAT DAYS and UGLY DAYS and MOODY DAYS and days when I hate EVERYTHING about myself. Just nod, smile and tell me that you care about me. I will probably be a complete bitch, but also get really offended if you back off and give me space.

10. BECAUSE when I push you away… it means I really want you closer. (How’s that for logic?)

11. I’m going to tell you that I don’t care a lot… but I really do care. Because I care about most things… probably more than I should. I also take EVERYTHING personally.

12. I will drunk dial you: EVERY time I get drunk. I will apologize the next morning, but I won’t really be sorry about it. I’ll probably just be annoyed (both while drunk and sober) if you didn’t answer my call or text.

13. I HATE TEXTING! Even though I do it constantly. The reason I really text is because in my experience, men in my dating age range HATE talking on the phone… it weirds them out and makes them think that women are “clingy” when really I just want to hear your fucking voice.

14. Every man I’ve ever dated has gotten the disclaimer: “YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE ME! I’M CRAZY.” But has laughed it off. No one has been able to handle me. Ever. Period. I don’t apologize for who I am… so if you don’t want to work at it… don’t even start.

15. I will cry. A lot. Mostly about my mom. If you can’t deal with this, I’m not your girl.

16. I LOVE sports. I follow the NFL, MLB, NBA, college football and basketball. However, I expect you to go to the ballet, theater, music venue with me even if you don’t like those things. I FUCKING LIKE SPORTS… how many girls you’ve dated can say that? And I actually KNOW something about the teams I follow. If you really can’t compromise and do some of the artsy things I like… well fuck you.

17. I am a hypochondriac (for good reason) and I will always think I’m dying of something.

18. I expect you to tell me I look pretty even when I’m not. The only men I accept the truth about in those situations are my gays.

19. I have a lot of fucking friends. I expect you to get to know them all and know their background stories and why they’re important to me.

20. If you are homophobic, racist or sexist: just stop now. Seriously. Don’t even waste your time.

21. I am a performer, which means I will have a crazy schedule. If you can’t keep up with the times I choose to be social, which is a lot of late nights… sorry bout it.

22. My favorite drink is whiskey diet. I also like craft beer. I will never drink beer when I have a fat day.

23. I take my coffee iced, with soy milk and LARGE. It is rare that I ever drink hot coffee.

24. I sing along with every song that is playing… which I think is okay because I have a good voice.

25. I judge you based on your favorite bands.

26. I want you to be head over heels for me. I don’t like nonchalant men. I want you to be all about me, all the time, no exceptions.

27. I want to give you a lot of attention. This is not me being “clingy,” it’s just my way of showing you that I LIKE YOU. Human connection is what I thrive on… I like to be talking 90% of my day. Just look at my cell phone call list.

28. I will probably be completely skeptical of every nice thing you do for me for about a month. Then I will let it go. There are going to be times when I doubt you, because as I mentioned before… I’ve NEVER been treated the way I deserve by anyone I’ve ever loved.

29. If you’re going to ever get me a gift, put some thought into it. A cheap, thoughtful gift means more than any expensive generic gift… at least to me.

and FINALLY

30. I expect lots of sex, hugs and rock and roll in our relationship. I want PASSION and LOVE and GIGGLES and nights where we don’t sleep because we just want to stay up and talk. I want SPONTANEITY and RESPECT and CARE. 100% of the time. Not just 99.9% of the time. All the time, 24/7. I want to FIGHT and SCREAM at you when I “hate” you and FIGHT AND SCREAM at you because I care about you so much that I won’t give up. I want to get wasted and make out with you on the subway in my five inch heels. I want you to hold my hand when we walk around New York City. I want you to spoon me when I’m sad and laugh at me when I fall on my ass.

And in return…

I will scratch your back when you’ve had a long day. I will watch Sports Center with you before we go to bed. I will leave red lipstick all over your face and clothes. I will laugh at you the first time you poop in my apartment/fart in front me… and I will never let you forget about it. I will write songs about you/blog about you/tweet about you. I will make our pictures my profile picture and be a stupid mushy girl in texts to you.  I will love and respect all your friends and remember ever birthday, anniversary, significant moment. I will be crazy passionate.

You will NEVER find another girl like me.

And I don’t expect you to.

This weekend I was at one of my best friend’s weddings and I got up and spoke at the rehearsal dinner. I told the story of how Krista and I were having a heart to heart in Theta and I remember her saying to me, “I don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as I love them.” Well… I know now that she has Alex, she never has to worry about not being loved enough.

I feel like the same statement up to this point, has been absolutely true.

And some (crazy) man is going to prove me wrong.

Someday.

DEFINITELY not today.

But someday.

When the time is right.

So take me or leave me.

I’m not changing.

xoxo

One FIERCE Bitch,

Shannon Rose Allen

Oh yeah… and this is how FUCKING AWESOME my makeup was this weekend…

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Romantically Hopeless

Every fiber in my being is resisting writing this post.

Wanna know why???

My name is Shannon Allen and I’m a hopeless romantic.

Yes. I am part of HRA. Hopeless Romantics Anonymous.

I have resisted this notion for YEARS.  I have, and continue to be, jaded from every single one of my past relationships.  Let’s see… I had the smarty pants boyfriend who thought I was crazy (he was right, he just couldn’t handle my craziness), the ass hole who wanted to have strange relationships with women online while we were dating (and then proceed to lead me on and break up with me like 500 times), and then there’s the guy who promised me the world and then decided he didn’t like (or love) me anymore.

Don’t even get me STARTED on the guys that I have (as my generation calls it) “talked” to throughout my 24 years on this strange planet we call Earth.

Anyway… I really don’t want to focus on these men.  I have no desire to anyalyze my past lovers any more than I want a bullet in my head.

**On a sidenote, I HATE being that woman who overanalyzes everything after a breakup.  I catch myself going through every single detail in my head and it drives me NUTS. Ladies… you know what I’m talking about.  Sometimes it sucks to have a vag… and estrogen… and tits.

Just kidding… tits are awesome! Cheers to that! YAY BOOBS!

ANYWAY… as someone who has lived almost a quarter of a century, I would like to think that I must have learned something about love.  However, I’m not so sure if I’ve learned a single, god-damned thing.

You wanna know why?? Because no matter how hard I fight it, and no matter how many fucking douche canoes I’ve dated or had to interract with in my life, I am STILL a hopeless romantic.

How fucked up is that???

I would say on a scale of “one” to “fucked up,” that’s pretty fucked up.

I know love exists.  And I’m not talking about fleeting, flaky love; I’m talking about soul-mate, love-them-till-you-die, do-anything-for-this-person, crazy, insane love.  (Fuck… I just sounded like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City. Fuck my life. I really AM a hopeless romantic).  I am such a delusional freak that I think that love is more important than anything in this world.  I think that money, success, fame, glory, are nothing if you don’t have someone to share your life with.  I truly believe that someone can have all these things, while still making love their number one priority.

Many people don’t agree with this notion, nor did some of my ex boyfriends.

It’s funny because I remember my friend from college once telling me that she felt at the time (not now, because she is now happily engaged) that no boyfriend had every loved her as much as she loved them.  I think this is an interesting thought. And for that matter, the more I think about it, I have never felt like any of my serious boyfriends ever loved me as much as I loved them.

This might sound ludicrous, but the more I really think about it, the more it become a true statement.

Perhaps my tendency to be a hopeless romantic is what gets my in troble in the first place.  I often throw myself into these relationships when men persue me, only to make up fantastical ideals that are almost unreachable.  The saying goes that “love is blind,” but I think a better saying would be, “mediocre love is blown out of proportion.” I let myself fall so hard for these men, who have never been ready, capable or willing to give me the love I need and want.  Then when it ends, I am so incredibly devastated that I cannot imagine how I’m going to survive without this “love” I placed on such a high pedestal.

Now I am making a HUGE life change where I’m embarking on an entire new life in New York City.  Maybe it’s time for me to get over this whole hopeless romantic mentality and grow up.

Nahhhhh.

I’m just a damsel in distress waiting for my prince.

Fuck that.

I’m a rock and roll girl, looking for my Dave Grohl to rescue me and we can drink whiskey and make out into the wee hours of the morning until the sun rises over the Empire State Building.

Maybe I’m too picky.  Maybe I’m delusional.  Maybe I’m crazy.

I don’t give  rat’s ass.  I’ll be a part of HRA until I meet the right person.

And I’m so sorry to the man who vows to deal with my lady business for the rest of his life.  He’s gonna be one tough cookie.

Shannon Allen

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Heart

Love is my favorite mistake.

I’m sure some of you, (or at least I HOPE some of you) have seen the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind featuring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet.  Not only is this one of my favorite, sappy, weird love story movies to watch, but the concept is something I really like.

Yes… I just said love was my favorite mistake

After reading my past couple blog posts, you can probably guess that I am NOT in any way an ideal candidate for any man to want to date.  I came to realize this at a young age when ex-boyfriends would refer to me as “the crazy bitch I used to date.” A note to my last few boyfriends… THANK YOU for fucking me up and throwing me away.  I guarantee you are some of the inspiration for my anti-men songs on my new album.  And no, you will never see a dime of my money.

On that note, I feel like Adele’s ex is feeling like a big fucking idiot.  Here is how I imagine it happening: Boy breaks Adele’s heart.  Adele is hurting.  Adele realizes she’s STILL a great fucking songwriter.  Adele puts her feelings into music.  BOOM! Adele wins a million Grammys.  I bet her ex feels like a big piece of shit right now.

Ok back to Eternal Sunshine.  Winslet’s character Clementine is so much like me.  I actually had my ex-boyfriend in high school say that I reminded him of Clementine and at first I was super offended.  Now that the wounds of that relationship have healed, I looked at his comment a little more critically.

I think the reason I am like Clementine can be summed up in one quote from the movie: “I’m not a concept. Too many guys think I’m a concept or I complete them or I’m going to make them alive, but I’m just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.”

Ladies… can I get an AMEN!?!?!?!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am the fan of the “you REALLY don’t know what you’re getting yourself into” disclaimer before dating a guy.  This may seem silly to some of you, but honestly… I believe in being direct and honest before I jump right into anything that could be potentially serious.

But for some reason, I ALWAYS give in.

How do I always get to this point?

1. I’m an idiot.

2.  I’m a firm believer of giving people the benefit of the doubt. (Like an idiot)

3.  In some crazy world that I live in, I believe that relationships can grow and become healthy, and even develop into love. (Like an idiot.)

4.  Even though I usually mess up everything (because I’m crazy) I still believe that there is gonna be that “one” man who will stick through it with me because he secretly loves my craziness. (Like an idiot)

5.  Then some point (and I’m never sure where this tipping point occurs) the one who used to love me, gets uninterested, apathetic, and then falls out of love with me. (Because HE’S an idiot)

No. I’m not crazy. At least not in the derogatory manner.  I’m different.  I’m free.  I don’t take shit from anyone.  I love big.  I love so much that sometimes I can’t believe my big love can actually exist.  I also get down.  Way down.  Down so far that I almost can’t bear it.

This is my personality. This is who I am.

And guess what?

It sucks, but I’ve never hidden it.  Ever.  I have never pretended to be someone I am not.

I am the girl, who every guy wants to date because I’m “fun,” I can “hang with the guys,” I drink whiskey (not cocktails), I’m spontaneous, I like to laugh, I like to love and I usually elicit emotions from people that they don’t normally share. I have a million fucking friends and I don’t take any time with the ones I love for granted.  I’ve lost.  I’ve lost some of the most important people in my life.  I know sickness and sadness and hate and spite and all kinds of ugly.  However, I still love people more than anything.  No amount of money, fame, success could ever replace the love in my life.  When you watch your father lose the love of his life after 27 years of marriage, you realize that love is all that matters.

This all sounds great…

But sometimes it isn’t.

Sooner or later men get tired of dealing with a smart, interesting, unique, exciting  woman, and would rather settle down with someone who is plain, pleasant, soft-spoken, a “cookie-cutter” version of someone his parent’s would love.

That’s not me.

That WILL never be me.

Sorry.

Love: you are my mistake.  It is a mistake to think I ever have or ever  will find you.  I’m looking for a partner in crime who’s in for the roller coaster that is my Crazy Lady Business.

Deal with it.

Shannon