Conversations With Myself

Hey there Shan Babe! How’s it going!?

Oh you know, just the usual…

I can’t stop listening to Lady Gaga.

You’re such a gay man… 

All my gay friends are AMAZING.

And super hot! 

Ughhh I wanna be super hot.

You ARE super hot! 

Yeah, but I’m also kind of crazy.

People like crazy…

Just put on your skinny jeans, a hipster sweater and a knit cap. 

Don’t forget the combat boots.

Where are my fucking keys!?!

Did I leave my straightener on?

Look in the mirror one last time.

Adjust the red lipstick.

Stand back and do one last look. 

Why can’t I be 10 pounds thinner?

Ughh why can’t I be 20 pounds thinner?

Nevermind… I want chocolate.

Ugh, I feel fat after that chocolate.

I need coffee

Okay, what am I doing today?

What am I doing with my life???

You’re being a ROCKSTAR, that’s what. 

Yeah but I’m just a background actor.

So what!? You are about to get your SAG card, AND record your second album. 

What if no one likes my second album?

Where am I getting the money for all this?

I don’t want to be poor anymore.

Someday you’re going to make a fucking ASS-LOAD of money. 

YEAH! It’s gonna be fucking sweet!

YEAH! And you’re going to have a hot fucking boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends… I haven’t gone on a date… in like two years.

That sucks. 

I’m the queen of attracting creepy men.

Dating in New York sucks. 

Dating sucks.

Never mind… I LOVE being single. 

Oooooo that boy is cute.

He might be gay… we’re in Hell’s Kitchen. 

Oh well… maybe he’ll be a new friend!

That reminds me, what gay club am I drinking at tonight?

Industry? Therapy? Barrage? Fairy Tail?

You’re never going to meet a straight guy at a gay bar.

So what, I’ll get to dance and be fabulous.

Straight bars are full of douche bags. 

Yeah… but what if ONE time, there is a nice guy?

Ooooo maybe. 

Nah.

Maybe I’ll stay in and write songs. 

That sounds like fun!

I want to gig more. 

Yeah… but we ALL know that every time you gig, you think 100 people are coming and 10 show up.

You’re right, but maybe I can get more people this time!

Ok… let’s try to book another show.

I miss my old band. 

Too bad your ex was the drummer.

Yeah… never doing THAT again. 

Don’t shit where you eat, Shan Babe.

Good advice. 

Does this mean I can’t have set crushes anymore?

No, just don’t take anyone from set out for drinks. 

But it’s so FUN.

Ok… you’re just going to do whatever you want. 

I’m a sucker for romance…

Or maybe just “fake love.” 

Yeah… love doesn’t happen in NYC.

But MAYBE it does!?!

Who cares.

Where’s my whiskey?

Oh Shan Babe…

Stop thinking.

Not possible. 

Fair enough.

Goodnight Shan Babe. 

Goodnight, Shan Babe.

Advertisements

Having the Flu w/o Boyfriend < Having the Flu With Boyfriend

So I’ve been bed-ridden since Wednesday.

And it has NOT been fun.

I’ve been absolutely miserable.

Just when I thought I would be able to eat solid foods… my flu came and ruined it again.

So as I’m sitting on my couch for the fourth night in a row with a Gatorade in hand, watching yet another movie, (Because the only things to do when you’re sick are sleep, read and watch TV/movies) I began to think about how much better this whole week would have been had I had someone to take care of me.

Now let’s be clear. I have absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship right now. For me, relationship cons currently outweigh the pros.

Yet, when you are on four types of drugs, haven’t eaten solid food in a few days and are delirious from your body’s unnatural fever, you start to think about things.

So here are “Shan’s reasons why having the flu with a boyfriend is exponentially better than having the flu without a boyfriend”

1. Boyfriend holds your hair back when you puke.

I have a lot of hair. I have thrown up a lot in the past four days. Enough said.

2. Boyfriend brings your soup and Gatorade when you are too tired to move.

It’s freaking cold in NYC. I don’t want to get off my ass and buy my own Gatorade. So I literally had to find a place that delivered Gatorade through Grub Hub, and order enough of them to justify the $10 deliver minimum… and then tip the guy for coming out at 10 p.m. to give me fucking Gatorade!

If boyfriend were around… he would pity me so much that he would dip into his own boyfriend pockets and buy me Gatorade and soup and tissues and anything else I needed.

3. Boyfriend fluffs your pillow and brings your cold compresses when you are sick.

Boyfriend always knows best. So boyfriend would be able to tell that I was coughing a lot during sleep and needed to have my head propped up. Then boyfriends would ALSO notice my burning feverish forehead and bring me a cold compress.

4. Boyfriend gives you flu massages.

You know how you get SO ACHY that your back feels unbearable to lay on when you have the flu?? You also know how NO ONE wants to touch you when you have the flu???

Boyfriend doesn’t care.

Boyfriend will stop at NOTHING to make you feel better. He will give you a massage on your aching back.

And, OH! Look! Boyfriend also bought you some Aleve and some MORE Gatorade, because he wants to you be happy and healthy again!

What a great boyfriend!

5. Boyfriend will tell you that you’re beautiful even when you look like absolute shit.

Oh yeah. We ALL know how shitty we look when we get sick. I mean… it’s BAD. I would catch myself in the mirror this week and shriek in fear that a pasty old lady had robbed my home and was coming to attack me!

I know I look like shit, and boyfriend does too…

But we all love a good white lie.

6. You have someone to brag to about how skinny you are.

I must have dropped at least five pounds this week. My stomach is looking incredibly flat and my waist is outrageously thin.

I WANT TO BRAG ABOUT THIS!

Boyfriend will listen.

7. Boyfriend is extra nice when you have the flu.

Boyfriend doesn’t like to see you suffer. He goes out of his way to make you feel better in any way that he can, which usually means being extra, super-duper nice.

8. Boyfriend can decode your delirious fever speech.

ME: “Hey sweetheart, I left my prescription in that thing after you went to the place and bought me that one thing I needed yesterday and I can’t find it. Where is that thing again?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, you mean this pills you left in the freezer accidentally, after I went and bought you more Aleve and tissues from CVS along with your favorite chick magazine and a Redbox movie? Yeah, I’ve got them. And I made you breakfast in bed.”

9. Boyfriend will help with household chores because he feels bad that you are sick.

(You might laugh at this one… but I’ve DEFINITELY had ex boyfriends do this)

Boyfriend will wash dishes, do laundry and clean up clutter when you are sick. One of the BEST perks.

And finally.

10. You will never get stir crazy or lonely when you have the flu, because boyfriend will be there to keep you company.

I cannot tell you how much it has SUCKED to sit in my apartment for four days with no human contact. I have looked at Facebook and my phone so often that I’m beginning to feel desperate for any kind of human contact whatsoever.

I am completely starved for human interaction!

Boyfriend would take care of this.

Yet even as I write all these great things that “boyfriend” would do for me as his sick girlfriend, I still laugh about all the terrible things that come along with having a relationship, and I’m glad that I dealt with this all on my own this week.

But hey, having someone around sure would have made things easier.

Perhaps I can just rent a boyfriend when I’m sick to help ease the pain?

A girl can dream right???

Signed: a girl on the mend.

xoxo

Shan Babe

Romantically Hopeless

Every fiber in my being is resisting writing this post.

Wanna know why???

My name is Shannon Allen and I’m a hopeless romantic.

Yes. I am part of HRA. Hopeless Romantics Anonymous.

I have resisted this notion for YEARS.  I have, and continue to be, jaded from every single one of my past relationships.  Let’s see… I had the smarty pants boyfriend who thought I was crazy (he was right, he just couldn’t handle my craziness), the ass hole who wanted to have strange relationships with women online while we were dating (and then proceed to lead me on and break up with me like 500 times), and then there’s the guy who promised me the world and then decided he didn’t like (or love) me anymore.

Don’t even get me STARTED on the guys that I have (as my generation calls it) “talked” to throughout my 24 years on this strange planet we call Earth.

Anyway… I really don’t want to focus on these men.  I have no desire to anyalyze my past lovers any more than I want a bullet in my head.

**On a sidenote, I HATE being that woman who overanalyzes everything after a breakup.  I catch myself going through every single detail in my head and it drives me NUTS. Ladies… you know what I’m talking about.  Sometimes it sucks to have a vag… and estrogen… and tits.

Just kidding… tits are awesome! Cheers to that! YAY BOOBS!

ANYWAY… as someone who has lived almost a quarter of a century, I would like to think that I must have learned something about love.  However, I’m not so sure if I’ve learned a single, god-damned thing.

You wanna know why?? Because no matter how hard I fight it, and no matter how many fucking douche canoes I’ve dated or had to interract with in my life, I am STILL a hopeless romantic.

How fucked up is that???

I would say on a scale of “one” to “fucked up,” that’s pretty fucked up.

I know love exists.  And I’m not talking about fleeting, flaky love; I’m talking about soul-mate, love-them-till-you-die, do-anything-for-this-person, crazy, insane love.  (Fuck… I just sounded like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City. Fuck my life. I really AM a hopeless romantic).  I am such a delusional freak that I think that love is more important than anything in this world.  I think that money, success, fame, glory, are nothing if you don’t have someone to share your life with.  I truly believe that someone can have all these things, while still making love their number one priority.

Many people don’t agree with this notion, nor did some of my ex boyfriends.

It’s funny because I remember my friend from college once telling me that she felt at the time (not now, because she is now happily engaged) that no boyfriend had every loved her as much as she loved them.  I think this is an interesting thought. And for that matter, the more I think about it, I have never felt like any of my serious boyfriends ever loved me as much as I loved them.

This might sound ludicrous, but the more I really think about it, the more it become a true statement.

Perhaps my tendency to be a hopeless romantic is what gets my in troble in the first place.  I often throw myself into these relationships when men persue me, only to make up fantastical ideals that are almost unreachable.  The saying goes that “love is blind,” but I think a better saying would be, “mediocre love is blown out of proportion.” I let myself fall so hard for these men, who have never been ready, capable or willing to give me the love I need and want.  Then when it ends, I am so incredibly devastated that I cannot imagine how I’m going to survive without this “love” I placed on such a high pedestal.

Now I am making a HUGE life change where I’m embarking on an entire new life in New York City.  Maybe it’s time for me to get over this whole hopeless romantic mentality and grow up.

Nahhhhh.

I’m just a damsel in distress waiting for my prince.

Fuck that.

I’m a rock and roll girl, looking for my Dave Grohl to rescue me and we can drink whiskey and make out into the wee hours of the morning until the sun rises over the Empire State Building.

Maybe I’m too picky.  Maybe I’m delusional.  Maybe I’m crazy.

I don’t give  rat’s ass.  I’ll be a part of HRA until I meet the right person.

And I’m so sorry to the man who vows to deal with my lady business for the rest of his life.  He’s gonna be one tough cookie.

Shannon Allen