Love is a Losing Game

There is something romantically tragic about unrequited love. Amy Winehouse sings it best when she belts, “Love is losing game.”

And yet, I ask myself repeatedly, “why does love feel so shitty!?”

Am I that jaded that I allow someone to treat me less than and pass it off as “well, at least he’s nice!?”

Or do I secretly love the torture? Does it add to my creative mind? Does it fill me up?

For what purpose does my unrequited love serve?

And why, for THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY, do I keep doing this to myself!?

His quiet promises fill my head. Do they know that we’ve never been on a date? Do they know that he never came to me when I was feeling unsafe? Do they know that he never came to me when I was in physical pain? Do they see what I see?

What on the fuck do I have to do to make you respect me?? Love me?? Event like me?!

Maybe nothing.

Maybe I’m the only one who is blind.

Maybe I’m the one who is looking past everything but the fact that he’s kind to others…

Just not..

to me.

Perhaps Love is really a losing hand.

Perhaps I am losing at this thing called life.

Twenty-Eight. Single. Musician.

I am not the ideal candidate for love: Men my age either want them young (21-24) or the men in their early 30s want someone they can mold. It’s not me. It’s not even close to someone I could become.

What are my options?

Embrace my fate? Adopt 100 cats?

Settle for someone who doesn’t love me?

Probably.

….

SA

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Black Lives Matter

Let me just get this out of the way now:

maxresdefault.jpgIf you choose not to agree with this statement, feel free to read no more.

I know I haven’t blogged in quite some time, but today, I am afraid.

Why am I afraid?

I’m afraid that my country is becoming divided like never before.

I’m afraid that the killings won’t stop.

I’m afraid that my black brothers and sisters who are like family to me will be unjustly treated. In fact, I’ve WATCHED my black brothers and sisters be unjustly treated, and it is gut-wrenching.

I am afraid because a man who I love and care for deeply is black. He is one of the kindest, gentlest humans I’ve ever known and he’s hurting.

I’m afraid because he’s afraid.

I’m afraid because I cannot help him feel less pain.

I’m afraid that I have a nephews who, although not black, are bi-racial.

I’m afraid because I see people I grew up with on Facebook saying, “this is not a problem.”

I’m afraid because I see so many of us losing hope.

I’m afraid because I feel helpless.

If we cannot peacefully protest; what do we do? If our Congress men and women will not listen to our pleas; what do we do? If I am a white, female, who has never been subject to racism; how can I help?

Please, tell me how I can help. I want to help so badly. I cannot watch another video of someone being murdered. I cannot wake up and turn on the news to find that another gun has taken another life. I cannot watch the ones I love be treated unfairly and do nothing. I HAVE to do something. And yet…

I feel helpless.

I feel depleted.

I feel angry.

I am afraid.

Shannon Rose Allen

#BlackLivesMatter

 

A Hug

I stress myself out more than the average human.

This much I know.

First comes the fast, incessant talking. Then the teeth grinding. Then the pacing back and forth; my mind going a million miles an hour in circles like a racetrack. At this point, my adrenal glands have gone into overdrive and I start to feel a drunken kind of dizziness. I’m hot all over, cheeks flushed, mouth dry.

My mom used to tell me that I worked myself into a “tizzy” when this would happen to me in adolescence. Her telling me that just made me more anxious, angrier, more stressed.

Then she would hug me and let me take deep breaths into her shoulder until I calmed down.

Once when I was about 10, I was staying over at my grandmother’s house and came down with a terrible flu; the kind that makes your entire body feel like it’s engulfed in flames while simultaneously being hit with 1,000 lead hammers. I was sleeping in the same room as my mom on the bottom part of my grandma’s old trundle bed, and sporadically throughout the night go through bouts of intense pain where my entire body would freeze up.

When I thought the pain would never subside, my mom put her hand gently on my chest until the pain passed.

Another instance when I was 13 and I had my heart broken for the first time. I spent an entire night in her arms, sobbing, shedding the tears of young love and fresh heartache.

Her arms always made me feel safe. Her hands like novocaine, her hugs like a sedative.

Then there was the day when she told me that her doctor had given her 2-4 weeks to live. This time she was in just as much pain, if not more than me. I sat in her arms for 15 minutes? An hour?

It was like her presence could stop time; somehow make this horrendous situation a little easier.

And finally the night before she passed. She was weak, but not broken, laying in bed in between my brother and I.

The room was silent as I pressed my head to her back and wrapped my arms around her, listening to her slow breaths and heavy heartbeat.

If I close my eyes long enough, I can still feel that moment. Her smell. Her skin. The way so many unsaid words hung in the air like an impending thunderstorm; the clouds about to burst with the weight of the world.

After she died, I thought the tears would never stop, the pain would never end. And in many ways it hasn’t, it’s just become different.

It’s days like today where that un-fillable void becomes apparent.

I felt myself spinning out of control, into one of my “tizzies.”

There has always been something about me and control that can set me over the edge.

Obviously, in my 27 and some odd months of my existence, I’ve developed various ways to cope with my stress; some constructive, some destructive.

But there has never been anything quite as effective as taking my mother’s hand, hearing my mother’s voice, being enveloped in her arms. Sometimes I want a hug from her so badly that it feels like my heart has been ripped freshly open; the crack in the dam that has been hermetically sealed time and again, but always seems to break even with all it’s strength.

Today I needed a hug from you.

I needed words from someone whom will never be able to answer me.

I suppose what gets me through days like there is realizing that the pain will always pass, the tears will always dry, the wrongs will always right, the stream leads to the river that leads to the ocean.

The heart wants to beat.

The lungs want to fill.

It will be okay.

Tonight I’ll get by on the memories, and hope that someday I can do the same for someone else as you did for me.

Shannon Rose Allen

The Shallenge Week 10: Rooftop Rendezvous

Hello Shallengers!

I can’t believe it’s been TEN weeks since I started The Shallenge! As always, you can look up the original rules of The Shallenge here, and look up archives of past weeks.  I’m always happy to share any of your personal Shallenges on my page, so PLEASE hit me up with stories!

Here we go with this week:

1. Experience something new.

9/18 Attend a rooftop party with old friends

This week was the week of the rooftop. On Friday, I had a beautiful night with some old friends on the rooftop of a friend’s Hell’s Kitchen building. Although this is not exactly a “new” experience, it allowed me to reconnect with some friends I haven’t seen in a few weeks.

And also, with views like this, I don’t know how anyone could ever hate New York City.

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2. Go somewhere in New York City that I haven’t been before. 

9/19 Little Branch Speakeasy

The Villages of NYC always have the best underground bars. Last weekend, I was looking for a quality (most likely overpriced) old fashioned, and Little Branch boasts a fantastic one. So I took a friend, and found out for myself. The space is small; the bar is located in the basement of an unassuming corner of the West Village. There is sometimes a line, but usually not too long. The music is present, but not overwhelmingly loud. I definitely enjoyed my $14 cocktail and some good conversation, but then it was time to

3. Do something alone that I would normally do with others.

9/16 Attend the Heart of Cool, weCliq NYFW launch party

A friend of mine, who I met through the Browns Backers invited me to his launch for his new app, weCliq with the fashion brand Heart of Cool. I had a plus-one to attend the party, but at the last minute I couldn’t find a friend to go with me.

So, I decided to be bold, and go alone.

Not only did I end up meeting some great people, but I also networked with some other creatives. I’m so happy that I decided to throw my ego out the door and go to this party alone.

And this was my view from the rooftop!

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4. Say “yes” to something to which I would typically say “no.”

Going on a “date” and letting go

Yes, I know. I’ve talked about dates on here many, MANY times, but I allowed myself to go on a date and really just let myself go and not think.

Perhaps one of the reasons I’m so bad at dating is because I go into every date with a cynical viewpoint. Although my dating intentions are optimistic, when it comes down to it, I allow myself to think, “this isn’t going to work out.” I end up self-destructing before I’ve even gotten to know the person.

I’m happy to report, the date went well, and I’m not overthinking. For once. In my entire life…

5. Do something that scares me.

9/18 Submit my music and have it rejected

Friday I received a generic email from Pandora, telling me that my new song was rejected from their platform. I was given no specific reasoning, and have no clue what I could have done (if anything) to gain acceptance.

Picture this: Shannon Allen as an artist is an air mattress. Every time I get rejected it’s like a little pin prick into the air mattress, causing me to deflate just a little bit, until I can find a way to block the hole, before I lose all my air. I successfully plug the hole, but then a new, bigger pin comes up and makes an even larger hole. Then, an air mattress monster comes up and take a giant bite out of my side. After a while, the mattress becomes so perforated, that I’m continually attempting to plug up holes, filling myself back up, and keep old ones from re-opening. Sure, I can inflate again, but I will never be shiny and new like I used to be.

That’s what creative rejection is like.

6. Make a new friend. 

9/16 Fashion Week Party

At the fashion week launch, I met a lot of awesome people. I even met up with a new girl friend the other night who I met at the party! This city is too big and too beautiful not to expand my network of friends.

Keep spreading that love around!

7. Have a book of the Week

One Last Thing Before I Go – Jonathan Tropper

Tropper is the same author of the novel, This is Where I Leave You, which was made into a movie. His writing is cynical, yet lyrical. The fiction I’ve been reading lately tends to display fallible, almost anti-heroes, that you can’t help but sympathize. Although most of the characters in this book have questionable morals and lives that are well beyond repair, the novel is a view into the ways we justify our existence, especially when faced with our eventual mortality.

I loved it! Quick read, excellent storytelling, tragic, cynical, witty, sometimes mundane, and REAL.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

I cannot even count the amount of times I’ve read this book, but it’s definitely over the 15 mark at this point in my life. I read the Harry Potter series at least once every year, sometimes twice…

And y’all KNOW how much I read.

The series never gets old to me. Every time I re-read these books, I’m reminded of why I love Harry and his world so very much.

8. Purge the unnecessary.

No purging today, but it’s slowly shifting into sweater weather, which means another re-vamp of the closet is coming soon!

9. Do something that makes me feel beautiful. 

Night time runs

This week I went on not one, not two, but three four-mile evening runs. Two of the runs were after 12-hour work days. Running at 9:30/10 p.m. is so freeing. The amount of runners, walkers, and bikers are sparse, so I am just left with my own thoughts and no distractions.

One of the nights, I had this pretty amazing view of the moon.

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10. Surround myself with nature. 

9/21 Appreciate the New York sunrise

As I was walking to work Monday morning, this was my view. Not too shabby.

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9/21 A night on the Chelsea Piers

That same day, I spend a lovely evening drinking wine, and eating a picnic of sorts on the Chelsea piers. The weather was perfect, and I enjoyed some good company.

Weekly Shallenge Score: 8.5/10

Shan Baby Score: 9/10

And here’s the Shan Baby Happy Face of the Week (ie my nephew this week while we were Face Timing because he’s SO FREAKING CUTE!)

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The Shallenge Week 9: FALL IS HERE!

Good morning my fearless Shallengers!

This was a busy week! I had a lot of work and auditions filling up my days (which is always a good thing,) but it left little time for me to squeeze in my Shallenges.

Although it doesn’t feel like I did a lot, there were some really amazing moments this past week. Here’s how I faired:

1. Experience something new.

9/13 Go to a Browns game NOT at Browns Stadium

Week One of the NFL regular season started this week! YAY FOOTBALL!

Several weeks ago, me and my fellow Cleveland-to-NYC transplants, bought tickets for the Browns/Jets game. Forecast said rain, but the day turned out to be beautiful, and it only started raining once the game was over.

I must say, it was heartbreaking to see my Brownies lose a game they were favored to win, but I had the best time making the voyage to MetLife stadium for the first time, tailgating, and then getting to see a live NFL game (which I haven’t done since about 2012).

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2. Go somewhere in New York City that I haven’t been before. 

9/13 MetLife Stadium

Heading to New Jersey on a Sunday morning at 9 am is not exactly the most exciting thing to do on your Sunday morning, but by the time I got there, I was so happy to be surrounded by fellow Clevelanders that it made the smelly bus ride from the disaster that is New York City Port Authority totally worth it!

This was the view from my seats. I would say it was worth it! 🙂

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3. Do something alone that I would normally do with others.

This week I was surrounded by friends pretty consistently. My partner in crime, Jennifer, was by my side for a lot of it.

Nothing this week sticks out that I did particularly alone that I would normally do with others.

4. Say “yes” to something to which I would typically say “no.”

9/14 Saying yes to a drinks date

I told myself that I would no longer allow myself to go on dates with men who wanted to get “drinks.” My generation has become so lackadaisical and unoriginal when it comes to dating, that I haven’t been asked on a real date in some time.

But the other night, I was asked out to drinks with a seemingly nice guy.

The date was a disaster. The guy begged me to meet up with him after I had worked a 14 hour day and then went on a four-mile run. And yet I obliged, packed my set bag for the following early morning call time, showered, and showed up in a cute, funky outfit to my local watering hole.

The entire date consisted of him cutting me off mid-sentence, talking about himself non-stop, and never asking me any questions about my life. Then, as I was about to order a second drink, hoping that he was just nervous, he takes out his phone and says, “I’m going to meet my friends at the Standard Hotel, so I gotta run.”

REALLY!? After you begged me to meet you, knowing I had just had a long day, you’re going to walk out on me!?

I’m not going to lie, it was a little blow to my self esteem. Hence why I gave myself the rule of no longer agreeing to “drinks.”

The next night I was supposed to go on a real date with another guy, who had set up drinks and a movie with me. (We both bonded earlier in the week for our love of horror flicks, and were planning on seeing The Visit). And right as I thought I was going to be wrapped from set, so that I could go on my real date, the PA picks me and four others to stay and extra two hours on set, and I had to cancel.

Just my luck.

5. Do something that scares me.

9/12 Music Video Release Party

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On Saturday, I invited all my best New Yorkers to a music video release and live performance. I’m always nervous whenever I have an event, because I really never know who will actually show up versus who says they will show up.

I was floored when I ended up packing the basement of the bar! Not only did my friends show up in droves, but most of them brought friends! I felt so loved and appreciated as an artist like I never have before.

After the music video premiered, as well as after my live performance, I had many people who were not associated with me or my friends tell me how impressed they were with the video and my performance.

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It was one of those nights where I looked around and thought, “Is this really my life!?” I’m constantly getting rejected in my industry, that sometimes it catches me by surprise when I remember that I am actually talented, and people really do love and appreciate my artistry.

You can see a video of the live performance by hitting up my Facebook Page. (You can also give me a “like” while you’re there!)

And in case you missed it, here’s the video!

6. Make a new friend. 

9/12 Music Video Release Party

As I said above, I was floored that so many people showed up. I got to meet so many new people, and connect with other creatives as well. I even got asked to collaborate at a SOHO art show. That night reminded me of why I love New York City.

9/13 Browns Tailgating

Oh Cleveland. No matter how many years it’s been since I’ve left my hometown, I will always carry Cleveland around in my heart. The best thing about being from Northeastern Ohio, is that whenever you meet someone else from Northeastern Ohio, you immediately become best friends.

At the tailgate I met two twins who were delightful! I told them to go to Twins Days! 🙂

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All of the Browns Backers also took a picture before heading to the stadium. I love these crazy kids. I’m so happy to be a part of this fanbase.

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7. Have a book of the Week

Sophie’s World by Jostein Gaarder

I know that this was my book of the week last week, but I finally finished it. What I didn’t realize when I was at the midway point last week, is that the book would take an extremely meta turn, and blow my mind apart. Talk about spinning my brain around in circles!

If you want to question your entire existence, and perhaps throw in a little bit of existential dread into your life, I suggest reading about 20 different philosophers in the span of one book. It will fuck you up.

8. Purge the unnecessary.

YouTube Trolls

I’m convinced that Dante left the ring of hell in his Divine Comedy reserved for people who post negative comments on YouTube. What in the world would possess a human being to post something mean on someone’s video when you know nothing about them?? It is just beyond me.

I don’t want to get on my soap box about how we are all becoming so bold and mean behind the screens of our computers, iPads, and phones, but it is seriously fucked up how callous people can be in regards to others’ feelings when on the internet.

One particular YouTuber recently posted mean things on my video, and I responded back with a kind message, asking that he please consider being nicer to people before commenting on anyone’s page. He responded like only a troll would… with more negativity.

So I not only deleted his message, but I blocked him from my page, and flagged his page 10 times for various offenses.

Don’t fuck with me. I may not fight you with more unnecessary unkindness, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get your ass kicked off the internet.

Byeeeeeee.

9. Do something that makes me feel beautiful. 

Getting back into running

I know that a few weeks ago I was on my 10k training. Well, that got derailed when it got so damn hot that I couldn’t even run in the evening because the weather was so intense. I threw myself into cycling and cross training for the past few weeks in lieu of running.

I’m happy to report that this week it has been so beautiful out, that the other day (after not running outside for about two weeks,) I was able to complete 4 miles like it was nothing!

The next day my legs were sore and I know that I worked out some leg muscles that definitely needed to be flexed.

10. Surround myself with nature. 

9/9 Spend a day off laying around in a park

Jen and I ventured to the West Side Highway park to lay out, do backbends, and handstands.

It was a good day. 🙂

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Shallenges Completed: 9/10

Shan Baby Score: 8/10 

I only knocked myself down a point because going to the Browns game accounted for a few of the Shallenges. Overall, it was a successful week!

And here’s my Shan Baby Happy Face of the Week: 

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Xx

Shannon Rose

MY MUSIC VIDEO! (And The Shallenge Week 7/8)

HELLO WORLD!

My apologies for not giving you my weekly Shallenge last week. I’ve been SUPER busy finishing up stuff for the EP, auditioning, and working.

BUT, I’m happy to report that my music video is DONE! Here it is!

You can also download the song on iTunes here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/you-hate-me-single/id1032069998

OR

Stream it on Soundcloud here: 

So here is my Shallenge for weeks 7 AND 8. (Roughly 8/25-9/7)

1. Experience something new.

Release an single on iTunes/Spotify and an official music video on Youtube.

(See Above)

I’m beyond excited to share this music with you. This EP (when it’s finally released in full) will be the fruits of a long, tumultuous, beautiful, stressful, artistic, eventful three years. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy it makes me to go through this journey of releasing my music with those who love me the most.

So please share and download in order to spread the love around. It will be GREATLY appreciated.

9/5 Watching the sunset over Central Park

I’ve never been able to watch the sun go down, and the NYC lights come up from such a hight! When Katie and Nick came to visit for the Labor Day weekend from Nashville, they stayed in the Le Meridien Hotel and the pool room had a GORGEOUS view. The walls of the pool house were just glass for days! You could see Central Park in its entirety. All of us just looked out, and took a quiet moment to appreciate how lucky we were to be there for those moments.

2. Go somewhere in New York City that I haven’t been before. 

9/5 Going to the top of the Le Meridien hotel and watching the sunset over Central Park

(See above)

3. Do something alone that I would normally do with others.

9/2 Turning off my phone for an entire morning

Now, this doesn’t exactly fit the category, but there was a morning last week where I very much needed to be alone. I had an audition that I signed up for in the morning, went home, released, made myself a light lunch, went back, auditioned, and CRUSHED the audition.

I was in complete silence that morning other than rehearsing for my audition. I had no worries about who was texting me, what people were posting on Facebook, the latest Twitter hastags, or any of the naked models on Instagram.

Most times, when I trust my instincts and truly listen to my heart, I give the best auditions. It’s often when I let others get into my head, that I don’t perform as well.

4. Say “yes” to something to which I would typically say “no.”

9/7 Do NOTHING on Labor Day

After one of the best weekends I’ve ever had in my LIFE, I was sad to see Katie and Nick leave. However, I had some much-needed downtime. I laid on my couch, caught up on TV, did some dishes, listened to some music, and took a few little naps.

I got invited to parties, to parks, to hangout, and drink, and yet staying it was the best decision I’ve made in a while.

5. Do something that scares me.

Releasing my single/video

Yes, I know I brought this up previously, but this scares the shit out of me. One of my best friends was visiting this past weekend and she told me (in a very nice way), that she liked my first album, but it wasn’t really “me.”  And I tend to agree with her.

However, this album is so much “me,”  that I’m left completely uncovered, vulnerable, naked.

6. Make a new friend. 

8/26 Meeting new people at a friend’s birthday party

One of my dear friends had a birthday dinner and then a karaoke party afterward, and there were several people at the party I didn’t know. The great thing about this friend, is he is so loving and accepting, that I feel that I can always trust his judgements regarding friendship. It was special to spend time with him, but also a treat to meet some new and interesting people.

7. Have a book of the Week

Sophie’s World by Jostein Gaarder

I picked this book up from one of the tables at The Strand. The book outlines the history of philosophy through a 15 year old girl (Sophie) and her philosophy teacher. I’m just about done with it (I haven’t had a lot of time to read these past two weeks), but it’s a great refresher course on philosophers, and also told in a unique way.

Sometimes reading philosophy can feel like a textbook, but Gaarder’s method of storytelling is accessible, yet not dumbed down.

8. Purge the unnecessary.

Throwing out old “unmentionables”

I threw out a bunch of old pairs of socks and underwear. Don’t judge me monkey; it needed to happen!

9. Do something that makes me feel beautiful. 

9/4-9/7 Hanging out with old friends for the Labor Day Weekend

Katie is one of my oldest friends, (I’ve known her since the 1st grade) and I just ADORE her husband Nick. They are one of the easiest couples to hang out with because they both compliment each other, are never needy, and truly just go with the flow. I never felt like third wheel the entire weekend (although we did bring Jen along for the ride to make it an even four a few times!).

There was a particular day, where we started in Central Park in Sheeps Meadow. We stayed in the park for a few hours, and then wandered back to their hotel suite. The entire day was full of good conversation, good vibes, and really just basking in our friendships with each other. We did not go to a fancy club. We did not spend a lot of money. We did not even need to be wearing nice clothes. Katie, Nick, Jen, and I were just able to be, and exist around each other without needing anything else.

It was a day/night, and it made me feel beautiful that I am lucky enough to share my life with such beautiful people.

10. Surround myself with nature. 

9/5 Central Park Sheeps Meadow

The summer is over, and ending it in Sheeps was a nice testament to this crazy season.

9/6 Walking the Highline

Because of the holiday weekend, the Highline was a bit more overpopulated than usual, but I do love showing off the beautiful parts of my city to those who haven’t seen them before.

Shallenges Completed: 9/10

I’ll give myself a 9 instead of a 10 simply because I used a few examples twice and didn’t always complete the challenges as they were meant to be.

Shan Baby Score: 6/10

My score is so harsh, because most of these challenges were completed in the last week, not in the week before. I let myself be a little lax for a week, and it honestly didn’t feel too great. Completing these tasks help me learn something new every week, and I never, ever want to stop learning and growing as a person.

One last thing before I go: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE like, share, and spread around my music! Spread the love y’all!

Love always,

Shannon Rose Allen

How Much Love?

The Notebook is on. It’s 5:30 p.m. I still haven’t changed out of my PJs. It’s Sunday. In about an hour or so, I will probably order some Steak n’ Shake online because I REALLY want a milkshake.

It’s one of those wonderful, lazy, introspective Sundays. I haven’t spoken to anyone today, other than my roommate’s dog, who is sitting at my feet while I write this.

So since I’m in such a mood, I’ll write about my favorite subject: LOVE.

How much love are we granted in our lifetimes?

Do we have a limited amount of chances at love?

I remember the first time I watched The Notebook with my first love, a boy I dated in high school. We were mad about each other; in the midst of our teenage years. We had just finished his senior prom dance (I was a sophomore at the time). In my high school there was a day in between prom (Friday night) and the day everyone went to Cedar Point to enjoy rollercoasters, ferris wheels, and bad fried food (Sunday day).

So on Saturday, I convinced this boy, (who I was absolutely crazy about and was crazy about me) to watch The Notebook. I had seen the movie only once before on a long bus trip for one of my show choir competitions. I cried like a baby through most of it, and was so happy that I had a boy who I loved as much as Allie loved Noah. I was so lucky. I was 16 years old and in love.

Real love.

After we finished the movie, that boy pulled me into a hug and said, “I love you so much.”

I will never forget that moment, because it was one of the times in my life that when someone said those words, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was true.

I can now say wholeheartedly, being a 27-year-old woman, that what I had with that boy was real. Probably more real than any love I’ve experienced since then.

So this leads me to my initial question: How much love are we granted in our lifetimes?

Did I use mine up? I’ve been in love exactly twice in my life, one with the boy in my story above, and once more in my last relationship. Both loves were unique in their own way; they taught me different things. Obviously there were problems in both, (What relationship is without issues?) but I so, completely loved these two men while I was with them and gave them the sincerest form of my heart.

So is that it? Did I miss my chance?

Did I use up all my love?

Now, I know the counter-argument here: “Oh but you’re so young!” “You’ll find someone!” “Someone will come along when you least expect it!” 

Spare me.

Because honestly, I’m not convinced that the kind of love that I want still exists in my world.

When I say my world, let me clarify: my life as it exists in New York City. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life here, but I don’t know that love is here, for me, in this city. What’s more concerning to me though, is my generation’s way of going about dating and relationships. The cavalier nature in which pretty much every potential prospect has treated me, makes me sometimes wish I were born into a different generation. A generation who care more. A generation who felt more.

A generation who loved more.

Who knows, perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps the love of my life is just around some unforeseen corner, under some unturned stone. Perhaps he’s not.

I suppose I’m lucky to have loved at all. (You all know the quote, don’t make me say it.)

I want to believe that I will find love of some sort again. Hopefully it is less like my generation’s skeletal idea of love, and more like the loves I’ve experienced in the past.

The next time someone tells me those words, I want to feel like I did that lazy day where I watched the Notebook over 10 years ago. I don’t want to question the sincerity of the statement or have any reservations.

I want to know.

Until then, I’ll still question whether this life will give me another shot at love.

Xx.

Shannon Rose Allen