Where to begin?

I suppose with the end.

I quit my job a few months ago. I’ll spare the details, because that’s not what matters. What matters was I was deeply unhappy and not fulfilled. I was going to work with no purpose, no soul, no thirst for the next day.

I was drained.

I’m still drained. The world is on fire and I feel helpless. All the sudden the silly self-centric dreams of performing and creating and having millions of people know who Shannon Allen is seem trite.

Some of you know the story about my mental breakdown after my mother died in 2011. A very good friend picked me up from work, where I had locked myself in a utility closet, crying, curled up in a ball, and she dragged me to an on-campus therapist. After weeks of  several mini existential crises, I told her why life was worth living.

“Love,” I told her.

So why again, did I find myself locked in yet another utility closet in 2019, crying and having a breakdown? How did I end up back in this predicament.

And I think the answer comes down to that I’ve strayed far from my mission.

I’ve gone from someone who was deeply in love with life, career, and people to someone who was chasing after a paycheck instead of worrying about number one.

So what now? Where to begin?

That’s the million dollar question with multitudes of answers.

First, I told myself that it wasn’t going to be about a specific job, it was going to be about a mission and the people who make the mission come alive. I must build my career with passionate people who are working in their small corner of the earth for something. 

Next, I want balance. I want to remember who I am inside and outside of a job. I want to love to come to work because I love who I am excluding work for the equation. I want to soak up time with my friends and my husband and my family.

Finally, I want love. I want love in all areas of my life. I want to spread love to other people. I want to work for change. I want to give someone passion where there was none. I want to get up with the sun and fall asleep next to the man I love.

I want to read a million books.

And bake muffins for my co-workers like I used to.

And giggle with my friends about dumb reality shows.

And cry tears of sorrow when someone close to me dies.

And cry tears of joy when a friend has a baby.

And wear oversized glasses, with pink hair, and combat boots and still get work done like a BOSS.

And discover new music.

And mentor people who deserve a chance.

So I don’t know. Where do I begin?

I guess I begin here.

Let’s go…

❤ Shan Babe

 

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