The Balls of The Governor (Festival Kids)

Last weekend I went to the Governors Ball with my mentor from the Berklee College of Music.

It was a fucking BLAST.

The 2014 Governors Balls popped my festival cherry. Tons of my friends have been to Bonnaroo, Coachella, SXSW, Lollapalooza, etc, but for me, this was my first.

Now, there are several articles online about who the best acts were, who delivered, who fell short, acts to watch out for, so on and so forth, but I don’t necessarily want to focus on the acts in this post.

Having said that, I would like to say that my top performances of the weekend were The Strokes, Sleigh Bells, Empire of the Sun, Lucius, and Foster the People.

But now I would like to discuss an important part of outdoor music festivals, and talk about the people that fill them. Yes, the good, the bad and the ugly. People watching at these events is often just as entertaining, if not more, than watching the actual bands.

So here are my list of “People you Might See if You’re at an Outdoor Music Festival”

1. The Rolling Stones looking dude with a MUCH younger hot woman. 

I think I may have found Keith Richards’ doppelgänger at Gov Ball this year. His skin was hanging off his bones, was wearing and incredibly tight pair of black jeans, combat boots, and a plain white tee. He was dripping in silver necklaces and leather arm bracelets. You could absolutely tell this man was a former rocker, and had a lot of cash. If his rock star appearance and attitude didn’t prove this point, the phenomenally hot, skinny Asian woman hanging all over him drove the point home.

Who knows, maybe this guy is absolutely charming and has a well endowed… you know, things…

But honestly… this girl hanging all over him, with her legs draped over his lap, drunk at noon, with her tongue down his throat, made me think that this was her sugar daddy.

Hey, who am I to judge? Get it girl. Hopefully the guy’s brain isn’t too fried from all the acid he did in the 60s and he can still carry on a conversation with you. Oh who am I kidding, you don’t date him for the stimulating conversation. Although I’m sure this guy has some pretty cool stories… and possibly herpes…



2. The model threesome

The perks about being in VIP the whole weekend, were the nicer bathrooms (porta-trailers instead of porta-potties), better booze, and of course, shade and seating near the bar. On an adjacent couch from our Keith look-a-like and the hot Asian, was another insteresting group. The threesome.

The two ladies were impeccably dressed in their Boho-chic blouses and skirts, Michael Kors sandals and hombre hair that was just the right amount of wavy for a summer day. Side note: I am forever jealous of these women who can make a summer outfit look ever-so flawless. How do they do it??? GIVE ME YOUR POWERS PRETTY LADIES!

Anyway, these two girls were at least 5’8″ with legs for days. The guy in question between them was also a young 20-something with a trendy haircut that was much shorter on the sides and longer on the top. You know, the one EVERY gay man in Manhattan possesses, that the trendy straight boys have now picked up? Yep. That’s the one. He had plenty of artsy tattoos, including a double band around his forearm and a triangle on the underside of his bicep. His expensive Nikon was being tossed around between the two gorgeous girls as they made out, taking pictures at artsy angles, cigarettes hanging from their perfectly-pouted lips.

I’m guessing these photos will end up in a gallery in Soho soon, or in this guy’s private stash… or both.

Perhaps they were the Blurred Lines girls??


3. The girls who have no clue who any of these bands are

Oh Jesus. These girls.

Listen, I get that a festival is often more about the “experience” of it all than the actual music, but COME ON girls! We know that you look great in hippie clothes and headbands that caress the front of your forehead, but at least PRETEND to be interested in some of these bands!

These were just too many of these girls at Gov Ball. They spent most of their time taking pictures of one another for Instagram (where they perfect the skinny arm, and lean so far back from one another that you think they might tip over), charging their phones (another perk of the VIP tent), and pumping themselves full of THC, cheap beer, nicotine a MDMA. If that’s really all you want to do with your time, just go to Brooklyn warehouse party… it’s a lot cheaper than a festival ticket.

If you don’t believe me that these people don’t know the music, watch this video.

4. The Lonely Dancers

I applaud these people. The ones who aren’t afraid to dance on their own.

This particular lady I saw was just LIVING while Lucius did their set. And I mean… who wouldn’t!? That band is INSANE.

Anyway… I just hope to have the swag this lady possesses some day.



Oh wait… I DO!


5. The girls who burned out halfway through the day and fell asleep in the grass

On day 2, I popped over to one of the stages to watch Sleigh Bells (who SLAYED me… or shall I say, SLEIGHED me… he he). It was an amazing combination of Rage Against the Machine meets the Beastie Boys with a chick for a singer/front woman. They were LOUD and had the audience all on their feet.

And then I glanced to my left and saw two girls passed out in the grass. I knew they were sleeping (and not dead) since they were leaning against one another with festival t-shirts draped over their eyes. How these girls slept through this set was beyond me, but after Sleigh Bells finished, I watched these Sleeping Beauties wake up from their slumber, looking confused that the sun had gone down, examining their awkward tan lines from sleeping with a shirt over their eyes.

Booze will do that to you. Don’t burn out kids!


6. Nipplegate

Nipples. Lots and lots of nipples and side boob. A festival is not complete without boobs of all shapes and sizes.

Let them FLY FREE ladies!


7. Buttcheeks, so many buttcheeks

The high-waisted cutoffs are definitely in style right now, especially for festival goers. However, there was a GRATUITOUS amount of cheek-action going on at Gov Ball.


Now I love me a good pair of cutoffs, but ladies COME ON! Can’t you tell when you got some breeze on your cheeks??

8. The Russian models who only know “The Skrillex”

So many people were only at Gov Ball the second day to see Skrillex. It was kind of like this…

9. The “partied-out” Dude

This happened on my ferry ride home:


10. Every kind of tattoo you could ever imagine

Some tattoos I didn’t even know could exist. I’m talking about the weirdest phrases and pictures I’ve ever seen. Everything from your typical birds flying away on the shoulder, to symbol on the back of the neck, to the artsy script. And then there were the awful pictures of loved ones that looked incredibly creepy, the misquoted/misspelled, and the unicorns that made you think to yourself, “This person got this when she was 18 and wanted to piss her parents off…”


11. The overly-friendly drunk

This doesn’t really need much explaining. They are EVERYWHERE.

12. The overly-friendly high kid

Again, you all know who I’m talking about

13. The frat daddy

Oh lord. The festival bros. These kids were all decked out in their Ray Bans, salmon/American flag shorts, sport coats and backward hats. You can pick them out immediately. They can’t stop using the word “bro,” pronounced like “brah,” and cheers-ing to just about everything.

Now, I have no problem with frat guys. I, myself was in a sorority. But if you’re going to go to a festival, at least TRY to look like you’re going to see music and not a clam bake.


They are often accompanied by…

14. The girl with a temporary tattoo of the Vineyard Vines whale

No, girl, just, NO. This is a music festival, not a weekend in Nantucket. Wearing your hippie festival attire along with this temporary tattoo, not only makes you look like an idiot, but by displaying an extremely affluent clothing brand logo (in TEMPORARY tattoo form) is the very antithesis of what a music festival is supposed to be about.


15. The EDM kids (or the kids who wouldn’t know what a real instrument was if it smacked them across the face)

I do enjoy me some EDM music, but shit, the culture is just so FUCKED. I can’t deal with some of these crazies. Perhaps if I were on drugs, people like this would annoy me less…


16. The parents who brought their infant

REALLY?!! You brought your baby to a music festival?!? REALLY?!?! I don’t care if this baby has noise-canceling headphones on!!! You want your child around all these drunk, drug-addled humans?


You’re nailing this whole “parenting” thing.

17. The mom reading a book on her Kindle

Yep. THIS happened.


18. The beautiful goth lesbians

Oh I WISH I took a picture of these two. I believe they were with one of the bands because they were seen in the side stages, as well as VIP. They both wore all black, one had dreads and the other long, black silky hair. They didn’t look overdone, as some people who try to pull off the goth look do.

It made me smile.

19. The bad-ass smelly sock man




20. The bro-deo

These boys made me smile. Wasn’t sure what they were on, but BOY were they having a great time!


So there you have it.

Festival kids.

They come in all shapes, sizes, ages, genders, and styles.


Rock and Roll

Shan Baby


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