20. The Weather
Let’s be real. This is pretty much the first thing out of any New Yorker’s mouth when it’s raining, snowing, cold, hot, windy, sunny, cloudy, or even a reasonable temperature. New Yorkers will never cease at the opportunity to complain about the weather.
Lately we’ve being going through the period of the “polar vortex” and some people have said that New York is not as cold as other places in the country.
Yes, we are aware.
HOWEVER, most of us don’t drive and then THIS happens:
There is nothing worse than walking around on a rainy New York day and having the bottom half of your pants SOAKED in water, and then your umbrella turning inside out, ruining your perfectly straightened hair and causing your mascara to run all over your face.
DON’T even get me started on the summer months…
Although I’ll be completely honest, when people ask me if I would rather live anywhere else, I say no.
I grew up in Cleveland, where the weather was even more bat-shit crazy than here… I’ll survive.
19. Slow Walkers
We live in New York.
WE HAVE PLACES TO BE!!!!
GET OUT OF MY WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
At least if you are going to be slow, please do not go all “Sex and The City” style on me and hold hands with your girlfriends and TAKE UP THE ENTIRE SIDEWALK. That is NOT how people walk here, despite what every movie or television show you’ve seen about New York tells you.
I actually have a lot of love for Hipsters. I also dress like one from time to time (those clothes are COMFY).
But I think the general consensus on why New Yorkers hate hipsters, is the pretentious attitude that goes along with the hipster persona.
Especially when this is true:
There is nothing worse than getting in a conversation with a hipster and them making you feel bad about literally every life choice you’ve ever made.
Or worse: makes you feel like an idiot for not knowing “that band” or shuns you for being “so mainstream.”
To which I reply:
17. Train Construction/Planned Service Changes
Oh that’s cute… you wanted to take that train from Midtown Manhattan to Brooklyn???
You are going to have to transfer at least twice, wait 20 minutes between trains and then pack yourself like a fucking sardine into the car because everyone else is trying to do the same thing as you.
16. The people that would rather live in LA than New York, but still live here…
Don’t complain to me how you hate everything about New York and can’t wait to move to LA.
And how New York is “so over,” and the industry is “all in LA.”
Just fucking do it!
No one is keeping you here!
Don’t sit around and shit on my city!
17. Hot Garbage
Here is the evolution of smelling hot garbage in July.
At first you’re like:
Then you’re like:
Then it really starts to hit you and you’re like:
Then you just get furious and you’re like:
Then you cry:
16. No Seamless or GrubHub delivery from a restaurant.
Wait??? We have to CALL and order our food? Or even worse… you don’t deliver??? I have to PICK IT UP!?!?!?
15. Anyone with a flyer
No! I do NOT want to go to the strip club, buy anything from your shitty electronics store that has been going out of business for months, or a coupon for your dry cleaning service that will probably lose my favorite dress shirt.
And when I ignore you, that is NOT an invitation to stick your flyer closer to my face.
14. Lines at Starbucks
Guy in front of you has a super complicated coffee order:
Then I get up to the counter and order something super simple. WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG FOR YOU TO FILL UP MY LARGE COFFEE WITH ROOM!?!?!
13. Trying to Hail a Cab and “gypsy” cabs slow down
I am a single, 20-something living in a big city.
No, I would not like to jump in your unmarked car and end up in the East River.
12. Pole Leaners
It’s okay, I didn’t want to grab on to a pole during rush hour on the subway or anything.
Clearly you are the ONLY ONE on the train right now because CLEARLY this is your own personal train.
To you, I throw SHADE:
11. Taxi drivers that treat you like tourists
I asked you to use the West Side Highway. But instead you chose to drive down Broadway… on a Friday night… at dinnertime.
You’re not getting a good tip.
I’m always happy to help a nice tourist with directions. I’m incredibly patient about answering questions. But DO NOT come to New York without doing your research.
This video will help you:
And you may THINK you look like this when you’re walking around the city:
But you really look like this:
We can spot you from a mile away.
9. Time Square/Herald Square
Every time I’m in these areas.
And then I just start plowing through the rows and ROWS of clueless people standing everywhere.
8. Hearing “IT’S SHOW TIME” on a subway train
There’s always a night on the train when my favorite song will come on my phone, and I’m quietly reading my New York Magazine. Content. Happy. Minding my own business…
“IT’S SHOW TIME!”
7. Having to Leave your Burrough
You live out at the end of the J line?
6. “Sorry, we’re CASH ONLY”
You get through your entire order at a restaurant/bar and then they’re like…
So then you’re like…
The rent is too damn high! Tell em Jimmy McMillan! LIKE A BOSS
4. Crowded, Sweaty, Loud Bars
Your friend drags you out to the hottest new club…
And you are bumping into everyone, spilling your drink all over your brand new dress.
So then you just say fuck it, and make due.
3. Alcohol Prices
If you’re like me, you enjoy going out on the weekends… and the weekdays… and Sunday during the day… and sometimes during the day in general…
So you go to a cute, new cocktail place and try out one of the fancy bourbon drinks.
“That will be $27.50. Would you like to open a tab?”
But you pay anyway… because you want to get drunk.
2. Time Warner Cable
They may wish to provide you with top-quality customer service…
But they won’t.
You want to pay a reasonable amount for cable and internet and still get the speed you need as well as all the channels you want???
Then you’ll tell them how another company quoted you something much less for an exorbitant amount more, but they don’t care.
Then you cry.
Dating in New York is a tricky one.
Usually the first date is a whirlwind of warm fuzzies. You feel like you’ve FINALLY made a connection with someone in a city with literally millions of people.
And there is cuteness…
Then sometime after this, the other person’s texts start to get shorter and shorter. And then they eventually disappear off the face of the earth.
And you’re all like, “What the hell happened??”
Then the overanalyzing starts.
And then you’ll casually text about meeting up, because you think there still might be hope.
And then you will see a “read receipt” that says the other person read that text, but get a text two days later saying, “SO SORRY! Just now seeing this… sorry I’ve been SO busy with work.”
Until you finally decide you’re going to confront this ass hole for making you a crazy bitch.
Then one the rage is over, acceptance sets in. You become your rational self again, and realize that it was the other person, not you.
Until your best friend tells you they just got engaged…
Then you’ll talk behind her back because you’ve just lost another single friend… leaving you out in the cruel world of dating.
Rinse and repeat.
Happy Saturday! 🙂