I’ve been reckless lately.
With my own heart.
I’ve basically just been injecting “emotional morpheme” into myself.
And no, I don’t mean physical drugs.
By “emotional morpheme,” I mean I’ve been shutting myself down; not allowing my heart to feel anything.
How have I been doing this exactly?
By telling myself I don’t care. By acting like I don’t care. By drinking when I get sad (and we all know drunk, sad Shan is no good). By giving and receiving “fake love,” as I like to call it.
I had a wake-up call the other night when I had my first panic attack in years. The next morning I was shaken up about it, but I just realized that I can’t keep trying to turn myself “off” or else I’m just going to keep getting them.
And on that note, I’m not ashamed at all to talk about the fact that I’ve dealt with a panic disorder. It’s something that is still taboo, but the more people I meet (especially the creatives, who tend to feel more intensely) I realize that there are SO many people who deal with anxiety for different reasons.
And usually people feel as though they can’t speak about it. But I’m here to tell you, if any reader needs to talk about anxiety, panic disorder, depression, or anything of the sort, do not hesitate to come to me.
Becoming numb in order to mask emotions is just another way to shut yourself off from the world, and how to become extremely ordinary, instead of what I want to be, which is extraordinary.
I think it all comes down to allowing myself to be treated poorly by some people in exchange for a small, fake, fleeting emotional connection.
I’m tired of letting people walk all over me, because I KNOW that is not my style. So why do I do it?
Because I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to feel significant.
But is feeling significant for a moment worth my integrity?
Filtering out the toxic people in my life.
And with that, I leave you a song I wrote a long time ago that I never released as an actual track, but as a hidden track after the last song on my album.
It’s called “Love Again” and it’s about allowing myself to love again after a terrible tragedy.
I’m going to allow myself to love again.
Shannon Rose Allen