Little, Beautiful Human Beings

Hi friends!

I can’t begin to tell you how amazing the past few weeks have been.

I’m happy to report that I’m OFFICIALLY SAG-AFTRA eligible and am getting ready to start what they call “OK 30” where I have 30 days to work union and non-union jobs and then I become a “must-join” where I am finally part of the union!

YAY!

I know this all must sound cheese-tastic, but I cannot believe my life has unfolded the way it has in the past few months.

I also need to give a big shout out to all the incredible people who have been there for me thought all this.

(I promise I will get to my actual blog post soon, but this just NEEDS to happen)

My immediate family: Big Griff, Little Griff, Alanna. They have never given up on me.

Ro: She’s up there somewhere having a party and cheering me on with all my success.

Ashley: We share the same brain and the same heart.

Jackie: Mother-Monster-Rock-and-Roll-Mentor-Taking-Care-Of-Business-Bad-Ass-Mother-Fucker

My Knick Family: Specifically Melissa and Orly. I am truly blessed to have been surrounded by these beautiful, SMART women for the past month on set.

My Carrie Diaries Family: Joshua, Chad, Matthew, Todd, and all my little Carrie babies who partied with me for 5 days at the same house party in 1985. “PUT IT UP ME!”

And finally, all my other background bitties who help me get through all the 12 hour days, the holding room, the crafty, filling out a MILLION I9s, meeting the weirdos who want to tell you how to pursue your acting career, the set crushes, the monotony of walking back and forth… and the GLORIOUS moment when a director shouts, “CHECKING THE GATE!”

And with that… Onward to my post

I call this one: Little, Beauitful Human Beings

My point of this post is not to be overly dramatic, just thoughtful. It’s a view I have had for a while, but lately it’s come to fruition.

So here goes:

When you work as a background actor there are a lot of times where you find yourself in full costume, standing out of frame, waiting for direction.

The other day while taking a break between scenes, I had this moment with a good friend of mine. We talked about how some people have significant life experiences that cause us to look at the world differently than the average human being.

For me it has been a lot of things, but specifically it was the death of my mother.

Now, I’ve spoken about this before, but after Ro died, I had an existential moment.

Probably not as comical as the movie, I Heart Huckabees, but without sounding too depressing, at the time I was trying to figure out how I was going to make sense of the world.

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Then the epiphany happened that I was going to focus my life on loving other people; finding significant relationships with people of all walks of life, giving love and receiving love and doing what I LOVE.

And that’s what I’ve done.

Except for one significant thing: I’m not always getting love in return.

I have been wondering for a while why I find myself feeling emotionally drained in New York, and I think it’s due to the fact that most people want love, but don’t want to GIVE love.

We’re all just these little, beautiful humans walking around trying to get attention from one another, without ever considering the fact that sometimes we need to reciprocate.

Maybe it’s my generation?

Maybe I’m too “young” (whatever that means)

I don’t know.

But what I DO know, is that based on my experiences, not many people are looking for genuine interactions.

And it’s EXHAUSTING.

Especially for someone like me. While I’m certainly not naive, I like to think the best of people, and that often sets me up for disappointment.

Every time I meet someone and I think that they’re somewhat decent and REAL, I come to find out that they usually just use me…

“until you use me up.”

Sorry… just had to have a Bill Withers moment.

So what I’ve been doing for the last several months is I’ve been playing the “use me” game.

Now, I don’t want my friends reading this to think I’m talking to them.

I’m specifically talking about men.

One of my good friends calls it, “emotional porn.”

I call it “fake love”

Whatever you want to call it, I’m a little tired of it. I’m A LOT tired of it. I’m tired of the games. I’m tired of having to pretend that I don’t care when I actually DO care.

I’m well aware that I’m doing great things and people keep telling me, “Just don’t think about it! It will happen when it’s ‘meant’ to.”

Those people can suck my non-existent dick.

Just because my career is taking off, doesn’t mean I can’t have an honest connection with someone.

So what do I do?

Do I continue to fake love? Do I collect men like they seem to collect me? Do I allow men to call and text me when they want attention from me?

Do I play this game?

Or do I allow myself to fall? Do I allow my heart to get bruised? Do I chalk up all these bad experiences to an opportunity to write yet ANOTHER song about heartache?

The game can be fun, but it can also be exhausting.

Reality can be fun when the cards are right, but reality will fuck you in the face and leave you for dead.

And with that… I’ll leave you my FAVORITE SONG right now, that perhaps sums up this exact predicament.

“You can’t have my heart, and/You won’t use my mind, but/Do what you want with my body/Do what you want with my body/You can’t stop my voice, cause/You don’t own my life, but/Do what you want with my body/Do what you want with my body”

And no… I’m NOT upset about this post… it’s all just food for thought.

xoxo

Shan Baby

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