The 15 Guys You Will Encounter While “Dating” Online

At this day in age, we’ve all probably dabbled in online dating. Whether your site of choice is Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Match, E-Harmony, etc, you will probably encounter some, if not all of these men.

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Here is my list of the “15 Guys You Will Encounter While ‘Dating’ Online”

1. The “wasp”

All this guy’s pictures are on a boat in the Hamptons, Cape Cod, etc. He wears Sperrys even when he’s not on a boat, and his wardrobe is mostly pastel Polo shirts and Vineyard Vines khakis. He only wears classic Ray Bans and probably works in finance.

Don’t count on this guy to be interested in you unless you A) Have a lot of money, B) are incredibly attractive, C) don’t have a brain (because wasps love women who don’t talk, but look good on their arms), or D) a combination of these.

If you ACTUALLY end up dating this guy, or even worse, MARRYING him, be prepared to discover that your man has a mistress at age 35.

2. The “musician”

This guy has a picture of himself playing guitar in every single picture. His quotes on his profile are all from either The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, or Kurt Cobain. He has at least one shot of himself hugging his guitar with the caption, “Music is my life.”

He wants you to think he’s really sensitive, but in reality “The Musician” is just incredibly self-centered and probably cares more about his music career than making time to date someone, let alone someone he met online.

Don’t expect him to fall in love and write a song about you. His first love is the only one he ever writes songs about, and he will compare every single relationship for the rest of his life to this girl, and probably be emotionally unavailable until the end of his days.

3. The “I throw up peace signs in every picture” guy

When I look at this guy, the song “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz plays in my head.

4. The “I’m too cool for a picture” guy

This guy is so hip, he doesn’t need a picture.

He probably lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, has a long beard, doesn’t own a television and only reads post, post modern literature that no one has ever heard of.

He also wears lots of ironic t-shirts.

5. The “I go to lots of EDM shows” guy

This guy has several pairs of colorful sunglasses and a glow stick permanently glued to his tongue.

He does a lot of drugs, so be prepared to deal with that.

However, he probably has great weed, so instead of dating him, just make him your drug dealer.

6. The “I have many pictures with A-List celebs to make me look cool” guy

“Hey look at me! I met a celebrity one time at some fancy event that I shouldn’t have been at in New York! Look at the A-List star who is probably miserable with his arm around me in this picture.”

He doesn’t actually know Ben Affleck.

But he will act like he does to sleep with you.

7. The “my friends are hotter than me, so I put them in all my profile pictures to make me look better” guy

You will never know which person is the guy you are ACTUALLY talking to in this case, because THIS guy is so insecure with his looks, that he surrounds himself with his hot friends.

Tip: The hot one in the picture is NEVER the one whose profile it belongs to.

Ever.

8. The “my pictures are only selfies” guy

This guy doesn’t have a lot of friends.

He spends most of his time working out and taking pictures of himself.

He also has a large collection of flat-brimmed hats with the stickers still on.

9. The “EXTREME” guy

This guy has a picture of himself surfing, snowboarding, and backpacking through Europe. He has quotes from famous philosophers and artists in his “about me” section.  He also has something along the lines of “I only feel alive when I’m a part of nature,” on his profile.  He wants you to think he’s super cool because he travels and is into extreme sports, but the truth is, he’s living off Daddy’s money and probably a douche bag.

If you are looking to be exhausted every single day of your life, date this guy.

10. The guy who clearly misses college

This guy is in his mid to late 20s, but all his pictures look like he’s still a sophomore in college in the depths of a never- ending fraternity party.

He has pictures of keg stands, himself double fisting beers, playing beer pong, all while sporting a sweatshirt of the University he went to.

He is miserable, because the prime of his life has passed.

And along the same lines…

11. The guy who played college sports and wants you to know it

He will spend every single date comparing life to the big college hockey game he played.

Run. Just, run.

12. The “I took a picture with my dog, to make me look more attractive” guy

He wants to have sex with you.

His dog will help him.

13. The “I’m a model” guy

This guy only post pictures of photo shoots he’s done. He probably has an accent and five girlfriends who all think they are his only girlfriend.

He also probably has at least one boyfriend, so ladies, don’t get excited.

14. The “I’m too cool for online dating, but I’m here because I secretly want to meet someone” guy 

In his profile, he has something along the lines of, “Not really sure why I’m here,” or “I’m curious about this site,” or some quote that makes fun of the online dating site he’s on.

FYI: THIS guy is so desperate for a relationship, but wants you to think he’s not.

He is.

But he is also clingy.

15. The “nice” guy

He doesn’t exist.

So there you go.

Now I’m not saying that online dating can’t work… because it absolutely can. I know people who have met their husbands/wives online, and that’s GREAT! However, it’s not an easy world.

I think it’s time for a break from online dating.

xoxo

Shan Baby

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