Everyone is Married

Except me.

I know. I KNOW… not EVERYONE is married.

But sometimes it feels like everyone is.

I’ve had a lot of blog posts on the subject of relationships/love/dating/etc, but alas… it is wedding/engagement season, which has made me think about those subjects a lot lately.

I’ll say this first: I’m sick of going to weddings alone.

Don’t get me wrong, going to a wedding as a single woman has its perks sometimes. There are usually cute, boozed-up men looking for pretty girls at weddings. I also don’t have to worry about anyone else but myself, especially if I’m in the wedding party, or singing.

But then there is the fact that I have to watch all my incredibly happy, cute, make-me-want-to-barf-you-are-so-in-love friends in long-term relationships, who are sometimes engaged or even married.

Yes… the jealous monster came out just then. I’ll admit it.

My favorite question is, “So are you dating anyone?”

To which I usually reply, “Well, I’m just really focused on my career.”

Which is absolutely true… but let’s get real: I’m Shannon Fucking Allen. I can do 100 things at a time and still be damn near perfect at every single one of them. I can balance a relationship and my music. I’ve done it in the past, I can do it now.

But I often go back and forth on this issue. Do I want to be in a relationship, or do I not?

To be or not to be?

I guess it isn’t so much about being in a “relationship” per se; it’s the fact that I haven’t found the “guy” that most of my good friends have.

I watch people like Krista and Alex, Katie and Chandler, Ashley and Ryan, Katie and Nick, Christina and Jess, and I can’t help thinking to myself, “That’s not going to happen to me.”

This is not a “Woah is me!” pity party, but I have just never been able to envision love like that happening to me.

(Addendum 6/18: it was brought to my attention that I accidentally used “woah” instead of “woe.” I could fix it, yet I feel like “woah” is appropriate for the Shan-tastic nature of this post. Please read on bitties!)

I mean seriously… does THIS girl need pity?!?! šŸ˜‰

Image

What a hot mess…

ANYWAY…

Maybe I’ve been alone for too long. I’ve learned how to do everything on my own and I love not having to answer to anyone or be responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. I love that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want with whomever I want. I am very comfortable being alone.

But I also know what it’s like NOT to be alone… and if I remember correctly it’s not THAT bad.

Sorry… you are witnessing Shan working out this issue in her head while simultaneously typing on the computer as the thoughts come out. (PS I was in an airport for 8 hours today… don’t judge me if my mind is all over the place.)

I digress —

Maybe my past relationships have made me cynical.

Let me rephrase that: MaybeĀ my past relationships have made me cynical.

REALLY cynical.

So today… I’m letting go of my single girl cynicism.

For good.

Because I don’t WANT to be the cynical girl.

I don’t WANT to put up walls when I meet new people.

I don’t WANT to give my dating “disclaimers.”

I don’t WANT to go on a date and automatically think in the back of my mind, “Why am I even doing this?”

But I do. And it’s becoming destructive. It took me this weekend I think to really realize how much I need to get out of my head and let go.

I got to spend four hours in a car today with one of my best friends, Krista. She is a newlywed, and I could not adore her and her husband more! I turned and looked at her and said, “I’m not looking for someone, but maybe I should just be honest: I’m ready to date again.”

I’m not talking about the New York “dating thing” where guys are disposable as… what did I say the other post??? Ah yes… “asĀ disposableĀ as those annoying flyers that theĀ comedians hand out in Times Square.”

I’m talking about letting someone actually get to know me. Not just the fun, crazy, high-energy Shan, but ALL parts of Shan. The Shan my best friends know and love. Key word here being “love.”

Why is it that I can allow my friends to love me, but the thought of someone of the opposite sex loving me seem absurd.

Again… I’m writing these thoughts down as they pop into my head, so I apologize for my rambling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: I want to open up and ALLOW someone to love me, which I NEVER do.

I have friends who are in amazing relationships, engagements and marriages. It might make me sound “whatever,” but I kind of want what they have.

But I don’t want to look for it. I want it to “happen.”

And also.. I’m not saying I need to get married ANY TIME SOON.

Let’s just make that clear.

Ok… I think I’m done rambling.

My blog is better than a shrink.

xoxo

Shan Baby

“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

– (if you really need me to attribute this lyric, we ARE NOT FRIENDS!) šŸ˜‰

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