Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m a human being.
I treat myself like a machine sometimes: get up, go for a run, eat my healthy food (with no carbs included), go to work/an audition/a rehearsal, write a song, go to an improv class, work on my resume, update my audition book, rehearse a monologue, hit the gym, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, RINSE, REPEAT.
And then there’s the element of rejection involved in my lifestyle.
I went to two auditions this week already where I was simply given a polite, “Thank you,” after I sang my 16 bars of music after waiting some five-odd hours in a holding room with a bunch of severely anxious musical theater girls.
Oh the things one sees/hears in these holding rooms… but that’s another blog post all together.
The funny thing though about these auditions is that I’ve become so numb to rejection, that I didn’t even blink when I didn’t get a callback.
Some might say that this is a good thing because it shows that my skin is thick enough to handle the New York audition world, but I feel like I’m becoming completely numb.
I don’t even remember what it’s like to be praised for my talent anymore.
Not to say I don’t absolutely believe in my own talent… because I do.
But when one sees so much rejection on a daily basis, it becomes the norm. It becomes something that just happens. It’s not necessarily something that kills my mood, or makes me feel bad…
It just is.
Does this make sense?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel almost like I’m floating in this middle ground where I don’t have anything to REALLY be proud of right now. My moment with The Voice came and went. My time on the Off-Broadway show came and went. The Mamma Mia tour was almost in my grasp, and then fell through.
I have a showcase next week on May 22nd at Club Groove where I will be singing four of my original tunes as a part of an arts series… and I’m told there will be music industry execs there. But at this point, I don’t feel like I should be preparing myself for some life-changing, earth-moving, star-aligning moment to happen between me and an industry exec, because l don’t want to set myself up for disappointment if nothing happens.
I just realized that I sound depressing.
But I’m really not!
I just feel so impervious to pain at this point and I’ve been completely calculating and thinking logically about every creative move I’ve made lately.
But perhaps that’s why I haven’t gotten anywhere in the last couple months… because I haven’t allowed myself to FEEL anything.
I keep going back and forth about this, because on one hand, I have thick skin and can take all sorts of rejection that is thrown at me. On the other hand, I’m an artist, which automatically makes me hyper-emotional, and sometimes I think that’s what makes the best kind of artists, are those who allow themselves to succumb to their emotions, and in turn, use them to their advantage.
I think there’s a reason I haven’t written a song in about a month, and it’s because I feel like I have no emotional fuel.
That, and I literally never have a free minute in my days.
So my goal once this hellish month is over, is to get back to my roots.
Sit down at my piano ever night and play/sing… whether or not it’s a cover tune or an original.
I need to get back to my happy place, because I’m tired of being “comfortably numb.”
June 4th marks one year in New York, and I have absolutely learned more in this year than I probably have my entire six-year span of college. This city has the ability to open one up to experiences and life lessons that I know I NEVER dreamed I would live through.
So here’s to emotion!
Here’s to being okay with your “crazy!”
Here’s to creativity!
Here’s to you.
Here’s to me.
Shannon Rose Allen
P.S. The end of May marks the end of the cash matching donations for my breast cancer walk. PLEASE contact me if you are interested in donating. 🙂