I kind of expected this to happen.
Since my last post… I’ve had a few people contact me and go, “Shan, was that post about me!?!”
Oh should I say… oh boys…
This post ensued more drama than it was worth.
Listen: I don’t take back what I said. I meant it. The first part about being mad and upset was really NOT what that post was supposed to be about. Whomever it was directed to doesn’t really matter.
What DOES matter is the fact that I was finally comfortable to write down my “instruction manual” and for once not feel embarrassed about it.
Monday sucked. I had a few glasses of wine. I’m known to rant.
I feel like Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook when I defend myself
I mean, seriously… my loyal readers are NO stranger to a rant. I didn’t even think my last post was the worst I’ve ever done.
I REALLY didn’t think it mattered. Really.
And you know what, I still don’t think it matters. I don’t have regrets.
I’ve been feeling this way (ie that I’ve been treated pretty piss-poorly by men) for a long time now. Most of my friends know some, if not all of those things about me.
I just wrote them down.
And what’s funny is that post has yielded the most views I’ve ever had other than my post about meeting Robin Williams on a subway, so I think I definitely touched a nerve with this post.
I think I touched a nerve because I just say what other women WON’T say. (Can I get an AMEN ladies!?!?) I don’t think I’m that different than your average twenty-something female in terms of what she wants or how she feels. Hell… half those things I wrote all of my girl friends have ranted to me about one time or another.
Oh the STORIES I could tell you from all the drunken ladies nights I’ve had about boyfriends and fiances and husbands that I ALWAYS keep locked up, because I know they would never want their significant others’ to know. I could literally write a book. Well… I guess I am LITERALLY writing a blog… but still…
Again… the difference is I HAVE the courage to say these things out loud to the world… and at the same time, not be ashamed to feel so.
And if people don’t like those things, there is really nothing I can do about it.
It bums me out severely, but what am I supposed to do??? Stop being myself? Change because someone wants me to??
I’m not saying change is a bad thing. Many men I’ve dated have changed me for the better… and I’m completely sincere about that. But there’s a difference between changing because you want to learn and grow with another person, and changing SOLELY so another person MIGHT like you.
That’s just not my style.
I’ve spent so much time feeling bad about the “quirks” in my personality, and I’m just finished. Men find me “interesting” because I’m artistic and loud and honest and outrageous, but then are quick to tell me that the things they once found interesting, are the things that make me, alas, un-dateable.
Seriously… can we just go back to this one more time??? Was there anything THAT Earth-shattering about what I said about myself?
Maybe I just don’t get it.
Maybe I am just exactly what my song “Easy” proclaims: “I’m not what you want.”
I guess I’ll just have to keep being myself and find someone who actually DOES like who I am, and really wants to get to know me.
Like my best friend said to me today… “I don’t say this often… but you REALLY dodged a bullet.”
Maybe she’s right.
On another note: Sunday is two years. 😦 Can’t believe it’s been that long. If you want to donate to my walk you can click on the link in the top corner of my page.
Miss you momma 😦
This weekend I was planning on having a few distractions, but I guess I found a way to fuck it up.
On a HAPPIER note: I recorded this yesterday 🙂
Ok… one last thought and I’m done. I LOVE this.
Love, the unlovable girl,