Sex, Hugs and Rock and Roll

Dad: Don’t read this.

Listen up.

You want Shan Bitch!?!

Well here she is.

Let me make a few things VERY clear.

I have an abundance of strong, smart, amazing men in my life. My dad, my brother, friends’ husbands and boyfriends.

But there are NONE in my romantic life.

Period.

Douche after DOUCHE after DOUCHE! I need a damn break!

You wanna get passive aggressive… go do it to someone who GIVES A FUCK! And I’ll have a great time calling you out in a passive aggressive blog post. There… We’re fucking even.

I’m just going to lay out a few (or many) guidelines, rules and “things you should know” about me.

This is for any potential man who wants to date me. In the future… I swear I’m going to make someone read this fucking list… because if they want to run away screaming and crying like a little whiny douche canoe, FEEL FREE MOTHER FUCKERS.  I’d rather get an honest answer about if someone likes me or not rather than some fucking passive aggressive social media post or some other dumb fucking way.

Here it goes.

SHAN’S ULTIMATE LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW (EXPECT CONSTANT CHANGES):

1. I need a LOT of love and attention. I’m an attention whore in pretty much every aspect of my life, and in a relationship, I’m no different. I expect to be told how much I mean to you all the time and constantly be flattered with comments about how beautiful, smart, interesting and talented I am. (I will probably blush and say someone self-depricating about myself in return… but know that I really like your compliments).

2. I like to talk A LOT. Get over it.

3. I’m loud as FUCK. Get over it.

4. I will probably embarrass you in public because I’m not afraid to start conversations with complete strangers during dates. (It’s known to happen).

5. I’m NOT neat. My room is a mess.

6. I have a ton of clothes… many of them contain spikes, glitter, feathers and other aspects you probably don’t understand being a straight male.

7. My red lipstick will probably get on your clothes.

8. I also wear a TON of makeup when I want to (complete with fake lashes) and none when I don’t want to.

9. I’m going to have FAT DAYS and UGLY DAYS and MOODY DAYS and days when I hate EVERYTHING about myself. Just nod, smile and tell me that you care about me. I will probably be a complete bitch, but also get really offended if you back off and give me space.

10. BECAUSE when I push you away… it means I really want you closer. (How’s that for logic?)

11. I’m going to tell you that I don’t care a lot… but I really do care. Because I care about most things… probably more than I should. I also take EVERYTHING personally.

12. I will drunk dial you: EVERY time I get drunk. I will apologize the next morning, but I won’t really be sorry about it. I’ll probably just be annoyed (both while drunk and sober) if you didn’t answer my call or text.

13. I HATE TEXTING! Even though I do it constantly. The reason I really text is because in my experience, men in my dating age range HATE talking on the phone… it weirds them out and makes them think that women are “clingy” when really I just want to hear your fucking voice.

14. Every man I’ve ever dated has gotten the disclaimer: “YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE ME! I’M CRAZY.” But has laughed it off. No one has been able to handle me. Ever. Period. I don’t apologize for who I am… so if you don’t want to work at it… don’t even start.

15. I will cry. A lot. Mostly about my mom. If you can’t deal with this, I’m not your girl.

16. I LOVE sports. I follow the NFL, MLB, NBA, college football and basketball. However, I expect you to go to the ballet, theater, music venue with me even if you don’t like those things. I FUCKING LIKE SPORTS… how many girls you’ve dated can say that? And I actually KNOW something about the teams I follow. If you really can’t compromise and do some of the artsy things I like… well fuck you.

17. I am a hypochondriac (for good reason) and I will always think I’m dying of something.

18. I expect you to tell me I look pretty even when I’m not. The only men I accept the truth about in those situations are my gays.

19. I have a lot of fucking friends. I expect you to get to know them all and know their background stories and why they’re important to me.

20. If you are homophobic, racist or sexist: just stop now. Seriously. Don’t even waste your time.

21. I am a performer, which means I will have a crazy schedule. If you can’t keep up with the times I choose to be social, which is a lot of late nights… sorry bout it.

22. My favorite drink is whiskey diet. I also like craft beer. I will never drink beer when I have a fat day.

23. I take my coffee iced, with soy milk and LARGE. It is rare that I ever drink hot coffee.

24. I sing along with every song that is playing… which I think is okay because I have a good voice.

25. I judge you based on your favorite bands.

26. I want you to be head over heels for me. I don’t like nonchalant men. I want you to be all about me, all the time, no exceptions.

27. I want to give you a lot of attention. This is not me being “clingy,” it’s just my way of showing you that I LIKE YOU. Human connection is what I thrive on… I like to be talking 90% of my day. Just look at my cell phone call list.

28. I will probably be completely skeptical of every nice thing you do for me for about a month. Then I will let it go. There are going to be times when I doubt you, because as I mentioned before… I’ve NEVER been treated the way I deserve by anyone I’ve ever loved.

29. If you’re going to ever get me a gift, put some thought into it. A cheap, thoughtful gift means more than any expensive generic gift… at least to me.

and FINALLY

30. I expect lots of sex, hugs and rock and roll in our relationship. I want PASSION and LOVE and GIGGLES and nights where we don’t sleep because we just want to stay up and talk. I want SPONTANEITY and RESPECT and CARE. 100% of the time. Not just 99.9% of the time. All the time, 24/7. I want to FIGHT and SCREAM at you when I “hate” you and FIGHT AND SCREAM at you because I care about you so much that I won’t give up. I want to get wasted and make out with you on the subway in my five inch heels. I want you to hold my hand when we walk around New York City. I want you to spoon me when I’m sad and laugh at me when I fall on my ass.

And in return…

I will scratch your back when you’ve had a long day. I will watch Sports Center with you before we go to bed. I will leave red lipstick all over your face and clothes. I will laugh at you the first time you poop in my apartment/fart in front me… and I will never let you forget about it. I will write songs about you/blog about you/tweet about you. I will make our pictures my profile picture and be a stupid mushy girl in texts to you.  I will love and respect all your friends and remember ever birthday, anniversary, significant moment. I will be crazy passionate.

You will NEVER find another girl like me.

And I don’t expect you to.

This weekend I was at one of my best friend’s weddings and I got up and spoke at the rehearsal dinner. I told the story of how Krista and I were having a heart to heart in Theta and I remember her saying to me, “I don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as I love them.” Well… I know now that she has Alex, she never has to worry about not being loved enough.

I feel like the same statement up to this point, has been absolutely true.

And some (crazy) man is going to prove me wrong.

Someday.

DEFINITELY not today.

But someday.

When the time is right.

So take me or leave me.

I’m not changing.

xoxo

One FIERCE Bitch,

Shannon Rose Allen

Oh yeah… and this is how FUCKING AWESOME my makeup was this weekend…

ImageImage

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