Can I Be Honest With You?

I NEVER want to re-live the past week…

I’m spent.

This week was too much.

I really wanted to cook up a good blog post for you all, but I’m just not feeling it tonight. So bear with me. If I seem erratic and disconnected tonight, I’m sorry.

The atrocious and cowardly events at the Marathon on Monday LEVELED me beyond belief.

The aftermath was even worse… as so many of my friends were trapped inside their apartments with two terrorists on the loose.

The news of the Texas plant explosion hit close to home too, because my brother works as an engineer at a chemical company. The explosion was in Dallas, and Griff is in Houston, but for 2.5 seconds when I didn’t know what city the blast took place in, I almost passed out.

THEN I got a bunch of Facebook bullshit because I called out some pricks for posting about their gun rights in the middle of a stand off between Boston PD and the bombers… AFTER an MIT police officer had just been KILLED.

Seriously… I usually don’t go on rants over politics of Facebook, as my friends have views all over the spectrum, but HOW DISRESPECTFUL CAN YOU GET!?

So the post basically elicited PARAGRAPHS worth of a person who thought that I was being “insensitive” to the victims of the Texas plant explosion because I was posting so much stuff about Boston. (I’m not really sure how that even makes sense…)

And also… I had JUST posted about how devastating the plant incident was…

Check your facts before you call me out. Homie don’t play around.

Oh yeah… AND this person called me out because he said that for some people guns are their “livelihood” and that I shouldn’t be insensitive to that…

Wow.

I cannot.

I mean… I CANNOT.

Let’s just say… I defriended a lot of people that night. I have no qualms. Fine. Keep your views… I’ll just make sure that I don’t have to look at them…

As RJ and I would say… “Delete. Delete. Delete!”

On top of all this bullshit… I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a week.

Don’t get me wrong… some good things have happened this week. Even things that have made me excited and hopeful for the weeks to come.

I booked an AWESOME showcase at Club Groove for May 22nd. I’ll get you more information as it comes… but basically I’m singing four original tunes in front of a bunch of industry executives. Should be awesome and I’m SO thankful that these awesome opportunities keep coming my way.

I have a new “prospect”

I have a pink party to plan to raise money for my breast cancer walk.

So why do I still feel like shit today, on Sunday, when it’s a new week??

Maybe because I’m tired of working a low-paying retail job, so that I can have a flexible schedule for auditions?

Maybe because I am tired of feeling ashamed of not really having a “career” per se.

Maybe because I am SO afraid to let a man actually be nice to me… that I feel like I’m just going to fuck everything up per usual.

Maybe because the moment I let someone even kind of get close to me, I feel like a gigantic fucking idiot.

Maybe because the two year anniversary of my mom’s death is coming up.

Maybe because I’m raising money for a breast cancer walk that goes not only down Boylston street, but through Watertown. (<—- This is terrifying)

Maybe because I can’t tell the difference between a nice guy with “ass hole tendencies” or an ass hole with a “nice guy” vocabulary

Maybe because I got reprimanded at work today and it just reminded me that I’m not making money doing what I’m passionate about. (yet).

Maybe because I’m so full of anxious energy, that I can barely sleep at night.

But I want to be honest.

Can I be honest with you… my illustrious readers?

All I want is to be loved.

By family.

By friends.

By a significant other.

By myself.

Today, I think the entire weight of this week fell upon me.

And I felt lonely.

I’m ready for things to settle. For life to be less erratic and unknown, and have more of a pattern. I’m ready to do what I’m best at for a living… instead of just working to not even make ends meet, just so I can audition for what I’m passionate about.

I’m ready for my life to STOP being just a bunch of stories and instances that constitute “blog fodder…”

I don’t want you to become just another “story in a blog.”

What I WANT is to just live. And love. And be passionate about everything that I put work into.

And beer.

I want lots of beer. 🙂

Ughhhh I’m such a whiny bitch.

I’m going to stop now and just watch Game of Thrones…

xoxo

Shan Babe

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