Sometimes when bad things happen, family and friends are the first people who utter something along the lines of:
“Maybe this wasn’t meant to be.”
“This rejection was preparing your for something better.”
“Another opportunity will present itself in place of this.”
“God has other plans for you.”
“When everything falls into place, you’ll look back and laugh at these hard times.”
“Karma is bound to catch up sooner or later.”
“This is just God’s way of testing you.”
“This just wasn’t your fate.”
What the FUCK does all this mean????
To me… it’s just a nice way of people saying, “Shan you failed… and we’re trying to make it seem like it’s not that bad.”
Now, most of you know I’m not a religious person.
Sure, I was raised Catholic, but that pretty much flew out the window when I would constantly run out of confessional crying, or when my priest told me that gay people were an abomination, or how Harry Potter was the devil…
Oh yeah… and when the Catholic church ruined my mother’s funeral.
No big deal.
Now before everyone starts hemorrhaging, I think religion can be great if it works for you.
Religion doesn’t work for me.
Neither does karma
Or the idea of fate.
When things happen to me that are out of control (eg. my mother dying of cancer) I blame it on the chaos of the world.
Woah… shit just got deep.
But seriously… I do.
This week was tough for me.
But when friends and family (who mean VERY well) tell me that something that is “meant to be” will come along…
I want to tell them that they are WRONG.
Things DID or did NOT happen to me this week because of ME.
I am to blame.
I didn’t work hard enough. I didn’t give as much as I could have. I am at fault.
No one else. It’s on me.
So when people ask why I beat myself up about what’s going on in my life… it’s because I believe every single outcome in my life that I CAN control, is dependent on my performance as a human being.
For those of you who have known me for a while, you know I’ve always been like this.
I was never given the natural gift of being incredibly intelligent like my older brother, so what did I do??? I WORKED my ass off to make it to the top 10 in High School and Dean’s List in college.
Sure, I was given and incredible voice, and I’m sure as hell not ungrateful for that. But I’ve worked tirelessly perfecting it, working through my shitty vocal cords that have a natural gap in them, making sure I don’t blow out my voice belting, honing my tone, working on my jazz skills, learning the world of musical theater.
Let’s not even get into the fact that I’ve been working for the past month and 1/2 for the perfect, New York theater girl, size 2 body…. which is STILL very far off…
That’s why things DO or DO NOT happen to me.
Nothing is “meant” or “not meant.”
The world has thrown a lot of chaos in my face… and I’m used to that.
But what I can try to control, are those things directly related to me and my performance… in life, singing, dancing, theater.
So yeah… I’ve been pretty down these past few days. But only because I’m down on myself.
I know that no one else is going to fix my problems… so I needed a few days to decompress and be disappointed in myself.
This is my truth.
So now it’s time to (once again) get back on the horse and not repeat the same mistakes as last time.
Shannon Rose Allen