So I’ve been bed-ridden since Wednesday.
And it has NOT been fun.
I’ve been absolutely miserable.
Just when I thought I would be able to eat solid foods… my flu came and ruined it again.
So as I’m sitting on my couch for the fourth night in a row with a Gatorade in hand, watching yet another movie, (Because the only things to do when you’re sick are sleep, read and watch TV/movies) I began to think about how much better this whole week would have been had I had someone to take care of me.
Now let’s be clear. I have absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship right now. For me, relationship cons currently outweigh the pros.
Yet, when you are on four types of drugs, haven’t eaten solid food in a few days and are delirious from your body’s unnatural fever, you start to think about things.
So here are “Shan’s reasons why having the flu with a boyfriend is exponentially better than having the flu without a boyfriend”
1. Boyfriend holds your hair back when you puke.
I have a lot of hair. I have thrown up a lot in the past four days. Enough said.
2. Boyfriend brings your soup and Gatorade when you are too tired to move.
It’s freaking cold in NYC. I don’t want to get off my ass and buy my own Gatorade. So I literally had to find a place that delivered Gatorade through Grub Hub, and order enough of them to justify the $10 deliver minimum… and then tip the guy for coming out at 10 p.m. to give me fucking Gatorade!
If boyfriend were around… he would pity me so much that he would dip into his own boyfriend pockets and buy me Gatorade and soup and tissues and anything else I needed.
3. Boyfriend fluffs your pillow and brings your cold compresses when you are sick.
Boyfriend always knows best. So boyfriend would be able to tell that I was coughing a lot during sleep and needed to have my head propped up. Then boyfriends would ALSO notice my burning feverish forehead and bring me a cold compress.
4. Boyfriend gives you flu massages.
You know how you get SO ACHY that your back feels unbearable to lay on when you have the flu?? You also know how NO ONE wants to touch you when you have the flu???
Boyfriend doesn’t care.
Boyfriend will stop at NOTHING to make you feel better. He will give you a massage on your aching back.
And, OH! Look! Boyfriend also bought you some Aleve and some MORE Gatorade, because he wants to you be happy and healthy again!
What a great boyfriend!
5. Boyfriend will tell you that you’re beautiful even when you look like absolute shit.
Oh yeah. We ALL know how shitty we look when we get sick. I mean… it’s BAD. I would catch myself in the mirror this week and shriek in fear that a pasty old lady had robbed my home and was coming to attack me!
I know I look like shit, and boyfriend does too…
But we all love a good white lie.
6. You have someone to brag to about how skinny you are.
I must have dropped at least five pounds this week. My stomach is looking incredibly flat and my waist is outrageously thin.
I WANT TO BRAG ABOUT THIS!
Boyfriend will listen.
7. Boyfriend is extra nice when you have the flu.
Boyfriend doesn’t like to see you suffer. He goes out of his way to make you feel better in any way that he can, which usually means being extra, super-duper nice.
8. Boyfriend can decode your delirious fever speech.
ME: “Hey sweetheart, I left my prescription in that thing after you went to the place and bought me that one thing I needed yesterday and I can’t find it. Where is that thing again?”
Boyfriend: “Oh, you mean this pills you left in the freezer accidentally, after I went and bought you more Aleve and tissues from CVS along with your favorite chick magazine and a Redbox movie? Yeah, I’ve got them. And I made you breakfast in bed.”
9. Boyfriend will help with household chores because he feels bad that you are sick.
(You might laugh at this one… but I’ve DEFINITELY had ex boyfriends do this)
Boyfriend will wash dishes, do laundry and clean up clutter when you are sick. One of the BEST perks.
10. You will never get stir crazy or lonely when you have the flu, because boyfriend will be there to keep you company.
I cannot tell you how much it has SUCKED to sit in my apartment for four days with no human contact. I have looked at Facebook and my phone so often that I’m beginning to feel desperate for any kind of human contact whatsoever.
I am completely starved for human interaction!
Boyfriend would take care of this.
Yet even as I write all these great things that “boyfriend” would do for me as his sick girlfriend, I still laugh about all the terrible things that come along with having a relationship, and I’m glad that I dealt with this all on my own this week.
But hey, having someone around sure would have made things easier.
Perhaps I can just rent a boyfriend when I’m sick to help ease the pain?
A girl can dream right???
Signed: a girl on the mend.