You know… I’m not really sure if I should write this post.
Awww fuck it. It’s my blog right???
My life usually gets exponentially more complicated when I involve someone else in it.
So I usually don’t.
I have my family. I have my friends. I have myself.
I don’t need anyone else. I am fine on my own.
I am fine with who I am and what I do. I don’t like to make apologies for how I live my life. I especially don’t like apologizing for things that have happened in my life that make me who I am.
I don’t like being an emotional mess sometimes, but it happens.
In fact, it happened yesterday.
Why am I writing all this you may ask?
Because recently there has been a situation that might cause me to involve someone else in my life.
But here’s where I get real with you:
When Ro died, my “someone else” was NOT there for me.
Sure, he showed up at the funeral.
Sure, he picked me up from the airport when I got back.
Sure, he hugged me when I was sad.
But he was not “there.” He disappeared as soon as things got tough.
Want me to get even more real???
While I was at home in Cleveland taking care of my dying mother, he was fucking around with other women and getting wasted.
There were so many times I just cried myself to sleep, not to him, but to my other friends.
He was not there.
When I got back, it was no different.
When I had a panic attack in the middle of work and locked myself in a utility closet, who was there?
Christina was there. (Thank GOD for her)
Want me to get EVEN MORE real with you???
In the middle of my nervous breakdown, he left me.
He left me right before my best friend’s wedding, where I was the maid of honor.
So what did I do? I BEGGED him to take me back…
…because I was less than a shell of a person.
I hit bottom.
Oh and I can GET more real.
I promised my mother on her death bed that I would marry this man.
Some of you know the rest of the story, and some of you don’t.
But it’s irrelevant now.
So why am I telling this story?? To throw my ex under the bus???
I’m telling this story because people are shitty.
I’m telling this story because for MONTHS I thought I was the one who was wrong for being a sad, emotional mess. I blamed MYSELF for everything.
And for that matter, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING “someone else” I’ve EVER had has ALWAYS made me feel bad about who I am.
People like “easy.”
Well… my life is certainly not easy. It has never been “easy.” I’ve had a lot of pain in my life, and I don’t need anyone else to complicate things.
Yesterday I got a pretty scary call from my doctor.
So I spent the night drinking wine and being sad, and thinking the worst.
Because that’s who I am.
And that’s what I do.
And you know what??? It could be nothing…
But if it’s something, I don’t need a god damned person to lean on. I also don’t need a god damned person to make me feel bad about being sad.
If my life has taught me ANYTHING, it’s that I can make it on my own. My soul is as thick as my thighs (and that’s pretty thick!)
There: you get ONE little bit of comic relief in this post 🙂
For too long I’ve dreamed of the white knight coming to sweep me off my feet and take away my pain.
My pain makes me who I am: strong, resilient, a fierce friend, hard-working, irrepressible, EMOTIONAL. Some may even say “crazy.”
So, after yesterday, I’m gonna face whatever the fuck this medical scare is right in the face.
Because I’m Shannon Fucking Allen.
I’m Rosemary Allen’s daughter… and that means that I’m a fighter.
Bring it on.
Shannon Rose Allen
P.S. My honesty in this post might turn some people off. But I believe that a lot of my readers appreciate my honesty. I don’t hide anything. I’m an open book. All the dirty laundry is right out in the open.
Sorry, I’m not sorry 🙂