The Five Types of Musicians who Annoy Me

I work in the music industry.

I am a musician myself.

I used to help book a venue.

I went to Berklee.

All of these factors have lead me to spend A LOT of time with musicians.

A LOT OF TIME…

I know that I shouldn’t hate on my own kind, but in this desperate age of the music industry, there are some “characters” (as I like to call them) who I am JUST tired of.

So without further ado, here are my list of Five Types of Musicians who Annoy Me

***And you know what mother fuckers… I DON’T CARE if you scoff at me or roll your eyes about this post. I don’t even care if you hate my music or think I am one of these musicians (which I’m not, by the way).  Cause guess what??? It’s my fucking blog. BOOM. Eat shit.

1. The folk/indie band whose members dress like their from the Civil War era.

I actually am a fan of these bands. I like their music. I think they’re incredibly talented.  I think they have compelling songwriting.

But I JUST can’t wrap my head around the Civil War clothing thing.

Is it a hipster thing?? Is it a “let’s try to be super different and quirky thing?”

Don’t get me wrong… I’m a fan of people wearing whatever they damn well please, because LORD knows I dress like a crazy drag queen, but WHAT is up with ALL these bands coming up in the industry who wear suspenders and tweed pants??? It’s almost like they went back in the DeLorean just to obtain these clothes. Where do you buy such clothing???

Did you ride the horse and buggy into town to buy the cloth at the seamstress???

I’m baffled.

I feel like these bands just woke up with the roosters, went out to till the land on the plantation, made sure the moonshine was brewing just right, then went over the the warshboard (yes I meant WARSHboard) to clean their dirty shirt and then use it for a musical instrument in their SUPER indie folk band.

It was fine when the first band did it, because they were unique.  But now it’s just lame.

Just saying.

2. The R&B chick singer who can’t stop riffing.

Wait?? Is she doing a cover of an old R&B tune???

OH YEAH… I CAN’T tell because she NEVER SINGS THE MELODY.

Listen bitches… I am a FAN of good riffing… just not on EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NOTE.  As a fellow singer, we are NOT Christina or Mariah or Whitney (RIP girl!).  Those artists exist for a reason… but sorry little Sally Singer, you are NOT them.

Great! You can riff! Congrats! Here’s a cookie… Now start singing some actual songs instead of just doing a vocal roller-coaster of notes that may (or may not) fit into the key you are singing in.

I PROMISE the next time you sing an actual song and actually somewhat stick to the melody, the reception will be much better.

3. The quirky singer songwriter

You are NOT Adele.

I repeat… YOU ARE NOT ADELE!

I REPEAT… YOU ARE NOT ADELE!

I don’t really wanna go to far into this one because it will just piss me off.  If you legitimately have a weird singing voice, that GREAT! I love unique singers who march to the beat of their own drums.

But STOP faking this weird, “unique,” fake voice because we ALL know you are doing this just because you think it’s cool and “trendy.”

You just look stupid

4. The rock and roll band that look like a band of homeless men.

I love a good beard. Beards on men can be sexy, mysterious, edgy.

However, this is too much for me.

 

Dude, you look just like the homeless dude I just gave a dollar to on the subway.

You also look like you smell. BAD.

You might be incredible attractive. You might have a beautiful, chiseled jaw.  You might smell like roses.

BUT I CAN’T FUCKING TELL BECAUSE YOU ARE COVERED IN HAIR.

If you are confused as to which men I’m referring to, read this article:

http://www.getkempt.com/high-and-tight/brother-can-you-spare-a-razor.php

AND FINALLY

5. The ass hole jazz player who thinks he’s better than everyone else because he “understands jazz.”

OH BOY. This is my favorite.

As I mentioned earlier, I went to the Berklee College of Music where I got a great education and met some wonderful friends and musicians.

But there are a breed of Berklee kids who I like to call the “jazz heads.”

The “jazz heads” EXCLUSIVELY play jazz and usually scoff at any other form of music.

They also rarely play anything but seventh chords, and don’t like any songs that don’t at LEAST modulate once or have some strange string of dominants that eventually resolve back to some semblance of the original key. (Jesus I sound like a fucking douche bag. THE JAZZ HEADS ARE RUBBING OFF ON ME!!! AHHHHH)

In layman’s terms: This shit is COMPLICATED.

If you understand jazz, GREAT! But don’t make others who don’t understand it, or aren’t a fan feel like an idiot because you think they aren’t smart or “cultured” enough.

Music speaks to everyone, not just those of you fuckers who think they’re better than everyone else.

______________________________________________________________________________

I’m just waiting for a Berklee kid to challenge me on this post. BRING IT ON!

And PLEASE don’t tell me that I hate musicians… because I don’t.

Keep making music, just PLEASE don’t become a stereotype…

Peace, love and musically yours,

Shannon Rose Allen

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3 thoughts on “The Five Types of Musicians who Annoy Me

  1. damn…i was convinced i was gonna hate you by the time i finished reading this, but, to the contrary…you are absolutely right on all counts, and i think you are Aight. Big Up on the Zooey Deschael spoof…that says it all…

    • Thanks for the love! I knew that I would potentially get shit for this post, but as a musician myself… I frequently see these stereotypes in the business! I just calls ’em like I sees ’em! ha ha 🙂

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