It has FINALLY clicked: I DON’T want love…

At least right now.

Right now… I want FUN

And fun is what I’m having.

The moment I allow myself to think about the dreaded “LOVE” word, or allow myself to feel any soft of emotion, my life gets worse.

I get unhappy, feel shitty about myself, and reach for some existential reason why I can’t find Prince Charming amongst the millions of New Yorkers I’m surrounded by every day.

Well guess what… I DON’T WANT LOVE OR EMOTIONS. I JUST want FUN.

Lots of FUN

I want to watch football (Notre Dame on Saturdays, Browns on Sunday) while drinking beer and making new friends

I want to go dancing with cute boys I just met.

I want to scream r&b ballads in Times Square with Jen and have people look at us funny.

I want to give my number out to cute boys.

I want to go to comedy shows and sit in the front JUST so I can get made fun of.

I want to run around Central Park, listening to jazz and finding random benches to stop and read a few chapters of my book.

I want to join a book club, and be as NERDY as possible.

I want to count every embarrassing experience I’ve had in the past six months, to be just another good story. šŸ™‚

I want to tell cute boys on the subway that they made my day by being cute.

I want to wear red lipstick EVERY DAY, and not give a FUCK that it ends up all over my clothes, the cups I drink out of, or the boys I kiss.

I want to wear every piece of accessory I can possibly put on my body and be a walking jingle bell.

I want to wear spikes and skulls and black everywhere.

I want EVERYONE TO STOP TELLING ME how to meet a guy, because I don’t care anymore.

I want to drink wine at my keyboard, when I write songs about broken hearts and finding love.

I want to stay out all night, even when I have work in the morning.

I want to wear A LOT of makeup when I want to.

I want to wear NO makeup when I want to.

I want to stop apologizing for being LOUD: GET OVER IT, OR STOP HANGING OUT WITH ME.

I want to write songs that make me seem angry toward past lovers: I write from my experiences. I don’t want to write songs that don’t resonate with who I am.

It’s funny because now that I’ve written out my wish list… I realize I’M ALREADY DOING THESE THINGS!

The only difference now, is that I had a crazy weekend, where something all the sudden “clicked.”

I’m chasing after something that makes me unhappy, so I’m gonna stop chasing.

And start living…..

REALLY living.

That is all šŸ™‚

Shan Halen is BACK

Oh Yeah… and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! I bet if he’s reading this, he’s having a heart attack! Don’t worry dad! I’m not getting into too much trouble…) šŸ™‚


2 thoughts on “It has FINALLY clicked: I DON’T want love…

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