Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Heart

Love is my favorite mistake.

I’m sure some of you, (or at least I HOPE some of you) have seen the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind featuring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet.  Not only is this one of my favorite, sappy, weird love story movies to watch, but the concept is something I really like.

Yes… I just said love was my favorite mistake

After reading my past couple blog posts, you can probably guess that I am NOT in any way an ideal candidate for any man to want to date.  I came to realize this at a young age when ex-boyfriends would refer to me as “the crazy bitch I used to date.” A note to my last few boyfriends… THANK YOU for fucking me up and throwing me away.  I guarantee you are some of the inspiration for my anti-men songs on my new album.  And no, you will never see a dime of my money.

On that note, I feel like Adele’s ex is feeling like a big fucking idiot.  Here is how I imagine it happening: Boy breaks Adele’s heart.  Adele is hurting.  Adele realizes she’s STILL a great fucking songwriter.  Adele puts her feelings into music.  BOOM! Adele wins a million Grammys.  I bet her ex feels like a big piece of shit right now.

Ok back to Eternal Sunshine.  Winslet’s character Clementine is so much like me.  I actually had my ex-boyfriend in high school say that I reminded him of Clementine and at first I was super offended.  Now that the wounds of that relationship have healed, I looked at his comment a little more critically.

I think the reason I am like Clementine can be summed up in one quote from the movie: “I’m not a concept. Too many guys think I’m a concept or I complete them or I’m going to make them alive, but I’m just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.”

Ladies… can I get an AMEN!?!?!?!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am the fan of the “you REALLY don’t know what you’re getting yourself into” disclaimer before dating a guy.  This may seem silly to some of you, but honestly… I believe in being direct and honest before I jump right into anything that could be potentially serious.

But for some reason, I ALWAYS give in.

How do I always get to this point?

1. I’m an idiot.

2.  I’m a firm believer of giving people the benefit of the doubt. (Like an idiot)

3.  In some crazy world that I live in, I believe that relationships can grow and become healthy, and even develop into love. (Like an idiot.)

4.  Even though I usually mess up everything (because I’m crazy) I still believe that there is gonna be that “one” man who will stick through it with me because he secretly loves my craziness. (Like an idiot)

5.  Then some point (and I’m never sure where this tipping point occurs) the one who used to love me, gets uninterested, apathetic, and then falls out of love with me. (Because HE’S an idiot)

No. I’m not crazy. At least not in the derogatory manner.  I’m different.  I’m free.  I don’t take shit from anyone.  I love big.  I love so much that sometimes I can’t believe my big love can actually exist.  I also get down.  Way down.  Down so far that I almost can’t bear it.

This is my personality. This is who I am.

And guess what?

It sucks, but I’ve never hidden it.  Ever.  I have never pretended to be someone I am not.

I am the girl, who every guy wants to date because I’m “fun,” I can “hang with the guys,” I drink whiskey (not cocktails), I’m spontaneous, I like to laugh, I like to love and I usually elicit emotions from people that they don’t normally share. I have a million fucking friends and I don’t take any time with the ones I love for granted.  I’ve lost.  I’ve lost some of the most important people in my life.  I know sickness and sadness and hate and spite and all kinds of ugly.  However, I still love people more than anything.  No amount of money, fame, success could ever replace the love in my life.  When you watch your father lose the love of his life after 27 years of marriage, you realize that love is all that matters.

This all sounds great…

But sometimes it isn’t.

Sooner or later men get tired of dealing with a smart, interesting, unique, exciting  woman, and would rather settle down with someone who is plain, pleasant, soft-spoken, a “cookie-cutter” version of someone his parent’s would love.

That’s not me.

That WILL never be me.

Sorry.

Love: you are my mistake.  It is a mistake to think I ever have or ever  will find you.  I’m looking for a partner in crime who’s in for the roller coaster that is my Crazy Lady Business.

Deal with it.

Shannon

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