New York City: Center of the Universe

I watched two bums punch each other in the face over a black backpack two days ago. What did you do today!?!?

Yes.  New York City.  Center of the known Universe.  I was fortunate enough to spend Monday through Thursday in this strange, dirty, yet beautiful city known as The Big Apple.

On a side note before I talk about my new city, I have to say I’m horrified that I leave Boston for a week and EVERYTHING CATCHES ON FIRE!!! I’m sorry to my friends who still don’t have power because of the transformer blowing up near Hynes.  All I can say is… It’s times like these I’m glad I live in Allston! But in all seriousness, I’m glad everyone is okay.  If it makes any of you feel better, I probably inhaled more toxic fumes in New York this week than you did from the Back Bay fire.  Just saying…

Now on to New York

What can I say about New York, other than my favorite sports to play in the city are 1) how many weirdos can you spot within a 6 foot radius or 2) how quickly can you get annoyed with tourists???  I know I am technically a tourist since I don’t yet live in the city, but COME ON PEOPLE!!! MOVE YOUR ASSES!!! I am so tired of people randomly stopping in the MIDDLE of the street to take pictures of some dumb high-rise.  Not to say I’m against making memories, but please, stand off to the side while you take pictures with your GIGANTIC TOURIST CAMERA.  And PLEASE do not stop in front of the subway staircase and start talking on your cellphone in the middle of rush hour.  People have places to be.  I wasn’t even on a timeline most of the time I was there and I still got annoyed.

People watching proved much more enjoyable than wasting my time being annoyed by the dumb tourists. Here are a list of my favorite things to watch while in NYC

1. The dogs with coats/dogs who look like their owners: Every dog in New York City seems to have a better wardrobe than I do!! What gives?!?! My dog doesn’t give a shit what he looks like.  In fact, we shaved my dog and left him with only a lion mane and a fluffy tail and he could care less that he basically looked like a circus dog.  And for that matter, if you tried to put an outfit on my dog, he would probably growl at you.  Anyway… I love dogs, but it is just so funny to see these ridiculous getups their owners subject them to.

Don’t even get me started on dogs who look like their owners.  I believe Jason Segal says it best in the movie “I Love You Man” when he calls these people “Bowsers.” In NYC, all the ridiculous looking dogs seem to have ridiculous looking owners.  It is incredibly entertaining.

2. The homeless men that punch each other in the middle of a Brooklyn park: I went to visit my good friend in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. We grabbed bagels (in typical New York fashion) and sat on a park bench to catch up.  In the middle of our conversation, we noticed two men arguing loudly with each other, that eventually ended in these men making feeble attempts to punch each other in the face.  One of the men was knocked over… not by a punch, but by tripping over his own feet and falling into the flower bed behind him.  Five minutes later, the “victor” of the fight was shaking hands with his enemy and bought him what looked like a cigar and possibly a bottle of booze.  HORRAY FOR FRIENDSHIP!

3. The cat callers: I live in Boston, so I’m used to being cat-called when I’m out with my girlfriends on a weekend.  Hell… sometimes when I’m walking to class in my glasses and sweats I will get cat-called.  I was to be like, “Really??? Waste your breath on someone who actually tried to look good today.” Oh well… I suppose they’re trying.

Anyway. One of my favorite moment of this trip was when I was walking around downtown and I heard a man say, “Damn! Look at those hips!”  To which I replied,”I know you like these hips!” I think my cat-caller was somewhat taken aback (as he probably doesn’t get much positive feedback) and he started laughing and screamed, “She know she look good!”  Oh New York, you know how to make a girl feel good about her personal appearance.  I’ll start to worry when the cat-calls stop; then I will know I’m past my prime.

4. The 20-something on drugs riding the subway screaming the F-word: On my way to catch a bus back to Boston yesterday, I took the 2 train to 34th street.  I started to notice a man standing at the end of the train who seemed to be in an altercation with someone.  When I took a closer look, it just seemed to me that this young man was on some sort of hallucinogen and screaming at a non-existent person about how he was going to, “fuck him up.”  The hilarious part was that he seemed to be shouting in the direction of a gorgeous 5’11” model who looked terrified out of her mind.  The poor girl.  I almost wish that I had been sitting in her seat.  I would have had fun with this drugged-up man.  Or maybe I would have gotten “fucked up.” We may never know.

I’m sure I could go on and on about my time in New York.  Hell, I’m going to live there in a few months, so I’m sure I’ll have some new gems to share with you at that time.  I will leave you with this video: Shit New Yorkers Say.  Even if you don’t know a lot about New York, you can appreciate the humor of this video.

My next stop is LA.  I’m leaving today at 7pm, so I will arrive in LA around 10pm Pacific time.  It is my first time in LA, so I’m sure I will have some good juice for you in my next blog.

Until next time: Happy Globe Trotting and keep flashing your Lady Business to the cat callers: THEY LOVE IT!

Shannon Allen


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